Holidays and Alcohol

Forget about the last post. I had a merry Christmas. I had the blues when Christmas was approaching and it was a two week long glum and gloom but somewhere there I thought about how pathetic drama is and it's really pointless being sullen on the happiest time of the year. Maybe I only wanted to stray away from everything people are supposed to feel at Christmas time. I'm a crazed poser.

I drank wine. Liters of it. I drank tequila, beer, rum. I drank and drank and drank until it came like a zapping slapping fist to my face. To hell with the blues.

It's a shame I came to start this blog out as something inspiring and encouraging but slowly backsliding into something ominous and somewhat dark. I want to be a lot more positive this 2009. Tackle the world with a ready smile. Must must must!

Resolutions are talked about as the new year approaches but all I could think of right now is that I want to be a better person than I have been and am. I want to be useful. I want to be productive. I want to become more optimistic. Heaps more. I want to be wiser. I want to be kinder. I want to be more honest. I want to be fair. I want to become a more faithful sister, daughter and friend. I want to be brave. Brave enough to try to love again and try new things and discover new roads to take. Brave enough to decide for myself and be responsible for those decisions. I want to have the heart to finish whatever it is that I have started and will start. I want to start over.

Oh, God, You are so good to me.
Oh, life. I want you.

Christmas | Loneliness.

"It's funny how the most wonderful time of the year could make you realize how miserable you are."

You can quote me on that one. I didn't have to google those words to come up with a topic sentence. Maybe somebody else had already said it, or written it. It doesn't matter. It's bad enough some few million other people have felt it. When I was a kid, it never occurred to me that those times were the best times I'll ever have. But I'm glad I had a great time. The gifts, the togetherness, the warmth. I wouldn't say that I'll never feel that way again too. God, I hope not. Everything is different every time. Nothing will feel the same, or be the same as time progresses.

You don't have to agree with me but didn't you notice how sadness sinks in when you think about the more joyous times in your life?

When the whole family's there...
When you and good old friends go around the neighborhood singin' Christmas carols for a few coins...
When you put up socks for Santa and you actually believed he filled it up (and not your parents)...
When you live for candy and not die because of it...
When you actually take time to draw cards for every special person...
When Christmas truly meant something to you.

Christmas still means a lot to me. It even meant more to me than before. As a kid, Christmas to me was more about myself. How the light flickered for me, what presents I get, how sweet that ham would be, the shiny new things I'll be wearing for New Year. As I grew older, it's more about how I want other people to be happy. It's the other way around. It's a good thing isn't it? All grown up. All practical. All busy and responsible.

Sometimes, I look at our tree. It has become smaller. 3 feet high. A decade ago, our tree was taller than me. It took me half a day to furnish it with boxes of trinkets. My older sister was still around. She usually made the sauce for the ham and I missed that so much. We used to fight sometimes. When she got married and left our home, I knew it was normal but it was never made normal in our family. We were always taught that family meant sticking together no matter what. We were taught so much about holding on than letting go. Alongside LOVE, we were taught about GUILT. Together with WORK, we were also taught so much about SAFETY. I do not know if it crippled us as people, but I pretty much know that as sheltered as we were, it made us into loving and understanding human beings. Because of guilt, we loved more than we ought to and because of safety, my brother and I are awfully single than people our age are expected to be.

All grown up now... and here comes Christmas - a surefire way to remind us that we were happy.


Jesus, I wish that You will be happy on Your birthday.