I seriously need to work hard for something.

It gets me down how half-hearted I am about anything in my life. I have lost it, whatever "it" is.

I want to blame myself for all of this but I it wouldn't really do me or anyone else any good.

And whatever "it" is, I need to find it now before it's too late.

Oh, Lord.

I'm home

since three days ago and I had a great time because I was able to achieve half of my to-do list for the trip which is quite impressive if you knew me.

So, I had the Baconator the morning I got to Manila. It was meh. I didn't like the patties and the buns. I kind of felt robbed by Wendy's. Great job at the advertising, though. All I can say is that I make a meaner burger that would make you want to do suicidal shit like marry me or something. Ha!

We stayed over at Kenji's place in Wack Wack Tower in Tiger City Mandaluyong. (I love saying that! Tiger City!) It was Tobal, Jan Sunday, the entire QCC and I who were in the same flight at 5:55am. We have not slept the night before so we inevitably crashed when we got to the swanky air-conditioned condo unit. (Super thanks, Kenj!)

23rd floor. We were fly.

When we woke up at around noon-ish, Dianne arrived, we got ready, Keida picked us up and brought us to Asia Pacific College, where he teaches Advanced Photography. They were having their college days and we got to hang a bit in there. I loved their cafeteria! There was a band playing inside and we got to meet some of Keida's students, and we got to roam around the halls.

Giant hotdog float with mustard jizz iz funny.

Fast forward to about an hour later, we met Jon Earl AKA Ears With Feet AKA the long time internet friend I  have never met when I've met almost every long time internet friend I've ever had.

I forgot to check if his ears did have feet. Damn.

Sorry, I am super awkward. Unless you crack jokes and ask me questions, I black out and do not know what to say. Meeting someone for the first time is overwhelming especially when that someone is important. But I'm glad we got to silently hang and they brought us to this place called The Collective in Makati. It's supposed to be this counterpart of Cubao X where there are creative shops and stuff. Here are some photos.

Vinyl On Vinyl. It's an art space and a store.

A cozy vegetarian food place. Great Miso soup.

A sweet collection of spectacles in a hip shop called Hysteric.

It was nice. Saw Mango Red shoot a pre-nup in there and I was in awe. They are like the best in the thing they do. I wanted to ask to have my picture taken with them but welp, I pussied out again. Sorry.

It's theeeeeeeem! *gushes*

After the hang, Keida drove us to the Terror show where we reunited with the "CCHC" people haha. IDK why I find this label funny but anyway, Cheryl (my Lavi) arrived and we got to take a photo with Scott Vogel and got my humble KOTF postcard signed by him. That was a happy moment indeed!

It's taped on my bedroom wall now! :)

It was an awesome show even though the place wasn't big enough and the sound system was a bit off, the energy everyone gave off emanated in the room and turned it into a piece of hardcore heaven.

This happened! I was there! Great photo by Mel Lacson Dolorico

Tobal and I stayed 3 more days after the show. There were times he wanted to just stay in and give up on the idea of walking around. I'm glad I convinced him to get up and walk with me to Megamall, ride the MRT, hang at Cubao X with the Lavies, go to MOA and meet Moshi before our flight home and stuff.

Some people wouldn't think it ideal either, braving the heat and the people and all that shit but I love it. Okay, I hated the heat but I loved the concrete jungle. The dirt, the buses, the MRT, the giant billboards, the confusion, the uncertainty, all things opposite of super chill Cebu City.

I may sound like such a weirdo but, Manila, I love you. I'll be back. Somehow.

2010 was a bitch

if you ask me. It really was, most of the time. And I did not mean that in a cute sort of nostalgic way. I am mad pissed at 2010 and I couldn't wait to start and see what a new year would be like. I should be grateful for a lot of things and I seriously and wholeheartedly am but this year had been heartbreaking and oppressive it felt like in every good thing that happened, there was a bad thing that came along with it double in size. I can't be compelled to delve into the nitty-gritty of it all because it would just demean the URL address of this blog. So my dear imaginary readers, I will spare you the details of my awful year.

For one thing, I decided to stop spreading this thing around which means you must be terribly bored if you are reading this. I do not judge you because I am also that way and being judgmental is stepping back 100 years which is idiotic.

I'm thinking, does this blog still serve a purpose other than being a dump for my shamelessness? I don't think so. But I also do not want to think that nobody ever reads this shit. Although, a part of me wants to think that so I won't ever have any qualms typing down like a mad woman and never ever censoring anything. But the truth is, there will always be one or two who'd stumble upon My Not-So-Private Life and they (you) may be the wrong people. I love you even if I don't know who you are but that's beside the point. The internet is still a scary place like.. the world.

I believe in many things like:
Nobody should take it against anyone if their blog has a picture of themselves shirtless.
Kindness will go a long way but getting your ass kicked is really terrible.
Being nice all of the time doesn't make you a good person.
Doing the right things will eventually pay off.
Everyone I know is living behind a facade including me. It's something to fight.
Personal demons can be scared off.
Right timing is everything and is so freaking hard.
Social anxiety is the worst kind of anxiety in the whole freaking universe.
et cetera et cetera

I'm not the most positive person like the way I use this internet moniker in half of my online accounts. In real life, I am a skeptic. At best, I am just plain lazy which can be misunderstood sometimes as being "chill". But no it's not "chill" it's being apathetic and that's never ever a positive trait. What's positive though is that I recognize that weakness and I'm trying to find ways to work around it. Work is positive. I'm kind of glad knowing I'm not spiraling downward. Not too much.

If there's a moral in this story, it's always find time to know yourself. Like what they say, every day is one day less. I figured everything I do better be worth it.

The Pursuit of Money

Sitting here, in front of the computer, like right now makes me guilty. I am not at all resourceful in terms of finances. I've never brought home the bacon. Am I spoiled? Yes, in many ways imaginable. I have never had a job. A real one where I can say, "Mommy! I'm home!" and actually give my parents cold cash to help pay the rent or the bills. I did have a job back then. And I recently completed this job-training thing where I worked 2 and a half months without pay. But really. Money is tough to find. Tough to make. Tough to keep or save. Tough to think about.

Today is a Monday and I went out in the rain/heat (because the weather couldn't make up its mind) to hand out my updated resume to local food establishments. The type of job ranged from service crew to kitchen assistant/assistant cook. I am mainly praying to God and crossing my fingers to land the back-of-the-house type of job. Not that I suck at serving food really (anybody can do that shit) but I'm just dying to "jump start" my most-preferred career so to speak. I need to be that exception to the rule and actually live out my dream. Even if slaving in the kitchen doesn't seem to sound ambitious, you know, most people think of it as a dirty blue collar job (which it is!) but that's just what my heart desires to do. I can imagine myself working happily in the kitchen 10, 20, 30 years from now. I do not want a desk job (though surfing the interwebs and discovering new memes everyday is a very tempting work option) at this point. I have tried it and I find it very limiting. Chair, cubicle, paper, pens, computer everyday? No, thank you.

You know what, it has dawned on me that one of the heaviest themes in our life is the fact that we all need to know our purpose. We need to know it. Not all of us wants to know it or cares or thinks about it but I am pretty sure all of us, at some point, asked ourselves: "What do I want to do with my life?" and ultimately, "What am I here for?" and the event of finding out what is one of the greatest discoveries we will ever unearth from ourselves.

Now, that I brought that up, you have asked it yourself because you've read those two questions. Have you the answer already? Or are you having a hard time answering it. Really now. Think about it. Your job right now. Is this what life is about? Is it dead end? I know it's paying everything for you. Happiness. Happiness won't.

I really hope people are happy with what they're doing. It makes our lives easier, I believe. If you love what you do, you will never have to work a day in your life. That quote is very spot on. Not easy to follow or live out especially when there really aren't many options. I should know. I am one of you marginalized people. And there are so many of us fighting for that position in the local job listings. So many of us young and qualified. Damn.

But yes, I should not think that way, right? If I think that way, or if any of you imaginary readers would think that way, our hopes will burn to the ground. It's already bad enough that we go out in the rain/heat, count change to print out resumes, spend some more to get our 2x2's, humiliate ourselves in interviews, leaping out of our comfort zones only to be told, "We'll just call you" and never be holla'd back.

This is the point in my life when positivity should come in handy. Expectations should be lowered. Mother Teresa should be revered. Patience is a must-have virtue.

I hope the future posts in this blog is worthy of confetti. Career-wise.

There is nowhere else but here.

After almost a year, I'm back. I won't say for good (or for bad. . haha) but I came back because there really is nowhere else but here. For real time events, we all have Twitter and Facebook but I don't know. I am still itching to write sometimes. Tumblr isn't even an option. That site is more like a dump of everything you see and hear and photos and scraps of whatever stuff mostly forgettable anyway. It's too much to handle.

This blog is like an old provincial hometown I left for greener pastures (the latest innovative social networking sites) and somewhere to return to when life is just too much in the big city. I'm back.

A lot has happened the past year. I don't even know where to start. The great thing about writing in here is that I don't feel like there are rules to follow. I don't have to start chronologically right? Just the events that seem pretty major like:

♥ saw my sister and her family back home from Switzerland early this year

♥ finished my last three major subjects with good grades

♥ worked in a restaurant kitchen for 2 1/2 months without pay

♥ went to Manila - saw Dashboard Confessional play and talked to Chris Carrabba for like a few seconds lol and have him sign a cd and my shirt

♥ tasted Dairy Queen for the first time

♥ saw a man I love get married

♥ found someone else to love and he turns out to be married(ish. . seriously taken)

stuff like that. .

Sorry about the last two in the list, I am quite OA when it comes to matters of the heart and I guess having a food blog and keeping myself busy with other things like career (which I don't have as of the moment) and family and music and art and whatever doesn't really change that fact, it just helps in alleviating and/or aggravating the problem. . whatever works. LOL

My last post in here's like September 2009. Fast forward to today.

I had this petty fight with my ma this afternoon because she rearranged furniture in my bedroom and I didn't want her to. But she was right and I was wrong. The bedroom looked better. I just couldn't admit it to her though or she would be high and mighty yak about how right she was. I love her. She cares about the things I care about. My brother told me to throw away my books because he thinks it is the devil. He said it made me jaded and artsy and fucks up my priorities and he said the reason why I don't have a love life and a job is because I am too alternative and passive and hedonistic and selfish. In his words, I don't take life seriously.

He may have a point. But headstrong as I am, I do not take it. Really, this is all I got. These are the only things I know are mine. If he took away the very few things I'm good at, I am better dead.

I just fell silent today. What am I in this house but a bum? He's right in that area.

But you know, I try. I am looking for a job. I am waiting for calls.

And I don't want to work a job that I don't like (call center agent?).

I would rather get minimum wage cooking or busing dishes.

I could not throw away my books. I could not stop listening

to the type of music I love.

I know a lot of people who threw their dreams away for money. I know a lot of people who chose to turn their backs from the things and people they love for something the world told them would be better.

They are miserable.

Call me immature. I am just not that type of person. I tried to be. I felt dead, you know. Really, I would rather die.

Happiness can't be bought.

I just want to be happy.

We all do.

The one who got away.

I wanted to do the right thing, hard as it was. My beautiful parents taught me well.
But one thing that was never discussed in the dinner table and Sunday get-together was how to deal with love when it fails you.

Ma and Pa never skips the sermon on 'true love that waits', 'true and honest love', 'enduring love', 'love is work', 'waiting for the right one', 'chastity' and all other subjects that only hardline Catholic parents could muster and I will be forever grateful for the morals they have instilled in me. I believe that discipline is one of the best kinds of love a parent can give their kids. Without it, I would have been out there doing unthinkable and unspeakable things. I would have been a lot more wounded girl in this cruel world.

And then came love. The kind you read in books and see in films. The intense feeling of being swept off your feet. The overwhelming kind. And the best part, it was the kind of love that was returned and maybe even more than you could ever have again.

Everything in its perfect place. The feeling was mutual. The distance contributed to the build up - like the start of a song towards the chorus. He, the ideal man. Strong and wise with a sense of humor that matched your own. The man who wanted to meet you. The man who wanted to see you and cook for you in the morning.

The man with a wife and child.

When the world crashes down on you, when your walls collapse, when your sanity leaves you one day at a time, what do you do?

The hardest part was not doing the right thing.
The hardest part of it all was when the right thing kills you in the middle of the night when you sleep alone in the dark. The hardest part was getting through the day with smile on the lips and grief in the heart. The hardest part was convincing him that the feeling is no longer mutual on your part.

A few years of silence with a bit of friendship in between.

And after the longest time - the first meeting. The face to face encounter between the one who let go and the one who got away. You shake hands and kiss amicably. How are you? How's work? Life? Like a drill you've been practicing all those years you've missed out on each other. Kids and career. A little about the wife. You feel a pang of sorrow nibbling on your ear.

You ask yourself, "Am I a better person for being here?" just to test yourself a little like seeing him in the flesh is not already too much. And the answer, of course, is YES.

Yes, you are a better person for choosing right over wrong. What if's and regrets aside, you are stronger for going through the fire rather than playing with it. Your humanity is larger than life. Your love exceeds your emotions. Your brokenness a sacrifice.

And now, alone you face the future. With strength, you will get by. Loneliness being a constant visitor. Your mind being the disagreeable dog that guards the gates of your longing heart.

You are the one who got away.


+ + +

'For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
And think not you can direct the course of love
For if love finds you worthy, it will direct your course. '

-Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet)

It's about time!

Well, as you can see, I'm back in blogger. After almost 8 months of nothing in here (but a lot in real life), I'm truly happy to be here again. It had been quite a good year so far and I have a feeling it will work out wonderfully throughout the end of 2009. There were some down times and minor ruckuses but it's so much better than haplessly being stillborn in life right?

Let me put all that this blog has missed in a nutshell:

January : Sinulog + SRA Anniversary + One of my best buds Mirza visited Cebu and I've met the good guys of DFP.
February: Cooked a lot in school and Partied a lot with my best buds, Mimie and Kiko.
March : Was bartender for a day (!!!) and made a rock and fashion show happen. And was in the news for the first time in my life. lol
April : Flew to Manila for this and this and this!
May : It was my birthday of course! :)
June : Back to school... but before that, my favorite getaway. Saw a great band live and met a bunch of awesome people. :)
July : Cried watching the TWINKLE DUDU reunion show.

And now, it's August. So what's new?
I'm pretty much addicted to Twitter and Facebook but I know all things will wane its selves. lol
I am still in school but not as busy as before. This will be my last year (hopefully and supposedly, whichever comes first!) one more term and I'll be ready for summer internship. Hooray. I'm teary-eyed. I never thought I'd be able to get this far to finishing something but I've done it. Almost there.
And yes, I have the most amazing pet cats in the world. I love them.
And I look forward to seeing my sister and her family (especially the kids!) in December. They are going to stay here for almost a month, Christmas to Sinulog 2010 so I foresee a solid vacay mode on for me. She's booked us to stay at a resort in Bantayan Island which is majestic. It's going to be our family's first time there together.

I am stoked.

I'll post more real soon. It's good to be back.

I missed you! ♥

Giving.

Today is a great day. I made someone smile and no, that someone isn't me. It also happened that there is not only one, but a few people who I couldn't imagine smiling through their day. Today I, together with my mom and sister, gave away a few bags of clothing, shoes and toys that had been lying around in the house to random homeless men, women and children downtown. We also imparted some home-cooked food to them. There is nothing I can compare to the feeling that I have made someone happy, even just a little, especially the kids. I am not rich. My family is not rich but I couldn't see why I couldn't share something to those who have less.

I started this in 2007 as a way of thanksgiving for all the blessings God has given my family. My sister and I stuffed packed lunches in our bags and backpacked one December evening to the heart of the city. A few warm meals. A few smiles. We went to these kids sleeping through their hunger and woke them up. It was the best feeling in the world. If only I could do it everyday.

I didn't want to tell people about it until one of my friends got interested. I thought to myself, why not become a reminder for others to do the same? So last year before Sinulog, I pitched in the idea to my parents, who I thought would just give me some cash to go grocery shopping. Instead, they went downtown with me to give away stuff. Since then, they told me that we'd do it every year or whenever we have the opportunity. Since the end/beginning of the year is always the time to clean out whatever is old and useless, rather than selling or throwing it away, it's a better idea to give it to those who might find it useful.

Today, we did it again. I never thought we could. We were broke as the year ended as my father suffered a heart attack last September. But he survived and that is blessing enough to give back no matter how simple and small.

I will always believe that when we keep it in our heads, that we do not own a single thing in this world, we will grow to become kinder, more giving children of God.

Holidays and Alcohol

Forget about the last post. I had a merry Christmas. I had the blues when Christmas was approaching and it was a two week long glum and gloom but somewhere there I thought about how pathetic drama is and it's really pointless being sullen on the happiest time of the year. Maybe I only wanted to stray away from everything people are supposed to feel at Christmas time. I'm a crazed poser.

I drank wine. Liters of it. I drank tequila, beer, rum. I drank and drank and drank until it came like a zapping slapping fist to my face. To hell with the blues.

It's a shame I came to start this blog out as something inspiring and encouraging but slowly backsliding into something ominous and somewhat dark. I want to be a lot more positive this 2009. Tackle the world with a ready smile. Must must must!

Resolutions are talked about as the new year approaches but all I could think of right now is that I want to be a better person than I have been and am. I want to be useful. I want to be productive. I want to become more optimistic. Heaps more. I want to be wiser. I want to be kinder. I want to be more honest. I want to be fair. I want to become a more faithful sister, daughter and friend. I want to be brave. Brave enough to try to love again and try new things and discover new roads to take. Brave enough to decide for myself and be responsible for those decisions. I want to have the heart to finish whatever it is that I have started and will start. I want to start over.

Oh, God, You are so good to me.
Oh, life. I want you.

OBAMA

Change is in the (white) house y'all!
This is the only election I've seen that the whole world is interested in. Even people outside of America campaigned for the newly elect president! Thanks to Bush for his major contributions to the world crisis which is, I think, one of the main reasons why Obama won the election. Which is a good thing, of course.

I am an artist and a writer which makes me somewhat romantic but that does not mean I can't be a realist. And I saw how practical and straightforward Obama's plans are. He wants to work on the problems of the most basic part of society like health and education as well as the bigger picture like foreign policy and diplomacy. I love it! He's a pacifist! He knows what he's doing!

Being citizens of a third world country like me, our lives are affected by the U.S. dollar. American economy goes down, we suffer too. So let me bask in this glory, for his first day in the white house along with wife and children and the promised puppy. He said before that 'change does not come from the Washington but will come to Washington'. He won the election because the people made donations, worked tirelessly making calls, knocking on doors, etc. A victory only possible in t.v. and movies now imitating life. If this could happen to them, maybe it can happen for us Pinoys too.

God did bless America... and the world!

Click this to read/watch President Barack Obama's victory speech.
Click this to read his plans.
Click this to read his hq blog.

Eleni

This is Eleni Mancao Demirci. She was born on August 21, 2008 at 6:15 am in the great land of chocolate, Switzerland.

The daughter of my sister Fritzie Marie and her husband Dimitro, she is my niece and it's a shame how it took me almost a month to post a baby shoutout!

Of Filipino/Greek/Turkish blood, she's going to be a total babe later in life which is something I can relate to. LOL

Yes.

The single life.

Not to confuse it with the Paris Hilton-Nicole Richie show. I know I am not totally qualified to post the wisdom of an old maid. At least not yet. But what if I've already made up my mind about the path I am going to take in life? I may not be a spinster (not yet) but that is not too far in sight. I am 25, single (as in not dating single) and had lost faith in such things a long time ago. Once, I was talking to a friend and she said the problem with me is that I have such high standards. But I refuse to believe that. I have come across people that I really liked to be with but then there is always something major that gets in the way. And if ever my standards are high, I didn't mean it.

More than once, in times when life was just so lonely, I used to wish I'm a little bit dumber. Dumb enough to not care about standards. Dumb enough to hook up. Hooking up is really easy you know. You just make yourself available and cheap. If not cheap, then free. You go out at night, make yourself up, a cocktail in one hand (it's sexier than beer), slow dance all by yourself in the middle of the club, eyes half closed scanning across the room and you will never be lonely. If it worked for me then it should for any girl. But then it was terrifying and that's how I can tell I'm going the wrong direction.

I was in a club with a friend one night and she said that if ever that Big Brother show comes up with a DESPERATE Edition, we'd totally be in it. Then we drank to that.

I'm not going to be a hypocrite. As much as I am not fond of 'just-because' relationships, I get really lonely and dark. That is why I go out. But I don't put out either so the nightlife is not as wild as people would like to think. It's more of like how people go out and drink to get their mind off work. I go out to get my mind off loneliness.

I told my mother that I don't want marriage. I also don't want to bring children to this world. Don't get me wrong, I am totally fond of children. Not contradicting my screen name but right now, I really think that one positive thing I can do is to be realistic. It is also a selfless act, to not let myself enjoy and be absorbed by fantastical feelings of rearing someone as an extension of who you are or who you would've wanted to be. No matter how you deny that fact, you know there's a bit of truth in it one way or another. There will come a point in your mother/father-child relationship where your kids will decide to be themselves and then you tell them they're wrong because that's not what you had in mind. I will never wish that on a child. Also, some people are just not cut out to become parents.

My mother (who is not a fan of domesticated animals in her home) told me to never say never. I say whatever I say is not a promise, it's only what I momentarily believe in. Who knows I might meet someone who's strong enough to prove me wrong. Otherwise, I see myself in ten years living with a bunch of adorable cats.

When friends become strangers.

When you are with somebody who is and had been special to you for quite a long period of time, it's not likely to cross your mind how this person could exit your life.
I would have wanted this post to be some sort of a tell-all but I changed my mind. Because in life, there is one thing that I am certain of, and that is anything can happen. Now, I wouldn't want to write things I might regret later on the way I did with some stuff in my blogs before but I guess that is all a part of the growth process. With it, also comes the chance for comparisons. The befores and afters, the what could have beens.

"Burning bridges" is like a song in my head that I can't sing. It's playing all the time but I couldn't let it out of my mouth. I can't blurt it out. I couldn't do it. It's wishful thinking. It amazes me how some could do it easily. It must be depending upon the gravity of the situation or the weight of the other party's fault.

Burning bridges.

Can you imagine taking someone out of your life. Peeling off everything you have to do with that person? Lifting off every imaginable great times. Sometimes forgiving but ultimately forgetting?

I have a friend who told me once, that she is capable of doing this. I'd like to think that I am too, and I have tried it but with the help of distance, not communicating and totally avoiding their way. Until now, I am able to keep them away but I still have to come up with something to say if ever we bump into each other with no excuse for me to not say hi. "I'm sorry, wrong person!"
"You must be talking about my long lost twin sister!" "I had amnesia" "Ha? Who are you?!" I might as well run away you know.

It's true that the more people you meet, the more people become candidates to be forgotten. Sometimes, I lay on my bed and wonder why I let this person in to my life in the first place. How could I have not smelled the ten thousand dead rats? Instead, I noticed the hint of shampoo in their hair. I only get to realize it when it's too late. We're already friends.



It actually takes time to discover it. It's not like a friend commits one mistake and you tell yourself the friendship's over. Even if she stole your boyfriend, there are things to consider especially when that friendship had been built years and years ago. It's never one mistake. I found that it adds up, one little disappointment at a time. Then you wake up and ask yourself why you never want to see or speak with that person again. Then you think you're such an awful person for even thinking about it. Then you blame yourself.

Then you stick with that person another few years ignoring the signs, dealing with it without doing anything to amicably settle things putting up with all the silly things thinking it's not a big deal. Thing is, you really don't want to hurt anyone and end up hurting yourself. It's really like a bad marriage if you ask me. Like a bomb ticking, waiting to blow your brains out.

So what are your options?
What are really friends for?
Are these friends worth your love?
Who can answer these questions?

People are so afraid of being alone in the world, the Pope even noticed it. In World Youth Day this year he talked about how people nowadays are nurturing a quiet sense of despair. So maybe this is it. We take in as many people as we like to have in our lives like there's no tomorrow. This is evident in our myspaces and friendsters and facebooks. This is evident in open relationships. This is evident in our lives.

I'm not discouraging the endless possibilities of creating friendships throughout my life. But one thing I would keep reminding myself is that there is a time for holding on, and a time for letting go. Completely.

Inked for life.

Moving along the story of my tattooed existence, this is going to be a very long read-intensive post. (You may want to grab some popcorn and drinks. LOL)

December of last year was a huge turning point in my life. My faith was renewed. My religion stays the same (Catholic) but my life was changed. For many months, I had been searching for answers to a lot of things that had been bugging my mind. I prayed constantly to find something, anything that will give me peace.

If you research about it, depression has a lot of symptoms. I didn't have one. Or my pride was too high to show anybody that I was keeping a lot of these symptoms hidden. I kept it inside. I wouldn't dare talk about it even to the closest people to me. Not family nor best friends. Depression is something to laugh about if you are from here. It's not even talked about. I've never met anyone who was clinically depressed. It is not acknowledged. 'Depressed' is a word used when you are heart-broken. You are merely problematic. If you are depressed, there's got to be a reason then. If the reason is good enough, they'd expect you to go out or eat a lot of sweets or get drunk to get over it. If you can't point out a reason why you've lost interest in life, then you are a brat. That's what they'll think. After all, there are millions of people in the world who are starving. You don't have the right to be depressed. Depression is a hollywood tale.

So I didn't have anything to call what I was going through. I had problems but I knew those things weren't the main reason as to why I was in a rut. Plus, I was quite distracted by all sorts of activities to be caught locked up in my room for weeks. I had to carry all these things as I go through my everyday existence. I was empty. God was quite busy somewhere, I thought, but I kept praying.

One night, I saw this comment posted by an online friend to her own page. She said she had fun at GenRev Night. Now, I have heard of GenRev Night before but I have never been to one. GenRev is a shorter term for Generation Revolution, a community of Catholic students who gets together for a revival meetings and such. I always see banners for it but only once or twice a year. So I saw this comment and I sent a message to this online friend asking for details. She told me that there is a GenRev Night every Saturday in a Chinese school in the middle of the city! It was a light bulb moment my hands were shaking, my heart was beating really fast. I couldn't remember what day it was but I knew I waited for a few days till I was able to experience it.
I prayed then and swore to God that I'm going there the next Saturday no matter what.



That week, my friend RR told me that his tattoo artist friend Ryan is opening up his new tattoo shop. I was surprised to learn that Drakki, the studio where I got first inked had already moved out long ago and that same studio is now occupied by Ink For Life. RR invited me to the opening party and it was that same Saturday that I am going to GenRev!

My heart skipped.

In the past months, I had been searching for a new artist to work on me. I wanted to get inked again. Someone who charges affordable but who has light hands and great with the machine. I planned to go back to Russell but since he moved into a better business building, I thought he would charge more. So I waited and it came.

I asked my great artist friend Nicolo to make me a stained glass sacred heart design. I loved what he did and so with it in my hand, I went to GenRev that fateful Saturday night. That night was a flood of emotions. It was raining as I walked around the area searching for the right building and then, I was guided by voices towards the hall. The moment I set foot inside the door and saw the bright lights in front of me, I cried a bucket of tears. I was saved. I was called. All questions erased in less than thirty minutes. There are not enough words to fill this blog what I had found that night (or what God has revealed to me) but that was it. I was a changed person when I left GenRev.


(It was God's party.)


After the revival, I walked the streets to get to the shop. From afar, I saw RR smoking outside. He welcomed me and said they have been waiting for me. It turned out he already told Buddhi (the owner) and Ryan that I have a design ready. We were introduced. They were very nice and Ryan checked my design. I told him I want it in the middle of my chest. For a moment he got quiet and smoked. He then asked if I am sure that I truly want it on my chest. I said yes. That night, I was affirmed more than ever that God had something to do with everything. I let fate lead my feet to where I was going. I was even waiting for a distraction from anyone. One text message or call to tell me to be somewhere else, and I would have canceled that meeting. I prayed for it. There was nothing. It even stopped raining. I was laughing deep inside of how things are going that night. It was hilarious.

I said yes. He said he wants to be honest with me as much as possible. I said What is it? He said the chest is one of the most painful parts of the body to get tattooed on. I told him I already have one tat on my shoulder. I thought to myself it couldn't be that bad! So he set a schedule. It was the Monday after that weekend. I usually suck at remembering details but that night was one of the most incredible nights of my life.


In my head was a bible passage read out that Saturday night. It was John 15:4 and it goes:
Remain in me, and I in you, as the branch is not able to bear fruit of itself, if it may not remain in the vine, so neither ye, if ye may not remain in me.

It ran through my head over and over and over. Remain in me. Remain in me. Like the tattoo that is forever. Remain in me.


(excruciating pain)

Ryan was right. The worst pain I have ever experienced was when I was rushed to the hospital because of UTI a few years back. It felt like my body was going to be cut in half right in the middle by swords. It lasted two days. The chest tattoo felt the same only, it lasted two hours. But it was worth it. Everytime people ask me if it hurt, all I say is that it's like giving birth. The labor was torture but all pain is gone when you see the baby. haha.

To the amazement of everyone in the shop, I didn't cry or ask Ryan to stop. In fact, he was the one who asked for a break. He went up (the shop was a basement) outside to smoke. I didn't ask for a re-schedule either. Ryan said it's true that women have a higher tolerance of pain than men. I couldn't agree more. It was a done deal and I payed a thousand pesos for it. It was a good deal.

In the days of healing, I visited the shop regularly. Hanging out with everyone there. We became good friends that even lead to me organizing a gig to promote the shop. I took some friends over to check out the shop and some of them became clients and buddies (which I will feature in another post).

One night (this happened when I used to drink), Ryan and Buddhi asked me if I wanted to get a chest piece carrying their name. I was having second thoughts since it was never a great idea (for me) to get name tattoos. It turned out they were kidding about that part but not about the chest piece. It was all I ever wanted but I knew that I couldn't afford it. Then Ryan said it was going to be for the tattoo competition in January the following year and it will be 100% sponsored. I almost died with glee. I gave them my 100% yes.

I had no idea for a design. Weeks later, I went to my schedule. It was almost Christmas then and I told myself it was going to be the best Christmas ever.

Ryan came up with these babies.


I thought they were adorable.

On New Year's day when the wounds healed up, Ryan came up with the background.


I couldn't be happier.

With all the colors that are just stunning, I had the best Christmas gift.
My chest piece won First Prize in the Annual Tattoo Competition (under Ready-Made Colored Category) last January 2008. Another special gift I got then was how my parents took it lightly (which surprised me because they are conservative). Also, my family were all healthy that New Year and up to now, we all are in good shape. Round is a good shape. LOL. I am not depressed anymore. I have the occasional bad days but there is just nothing to be afraid of anymore because He remains in me. Most importantly, these tattoos are forever going to be a part of me. They may fade in time but it is certainly a reminder of the night that I heard God's call. It will never ever be forgotten.

My tattoo has a story.

And it will have sequels. ^_~