I'm home

since three days ago and I had a great time because I was able to achieve half of my to-do list for the trip which is quite impressive if you knew me.

So, I had the Baconator the morning I got to Manila. It was meh. I didn't like the patties and the buns. I kind of felt robbed by Wendy's. Great job at the advertising, though. All I can say is that I make a meaner burger that would make you want to do suicidal shit like marry me or something. Ha!

We stayed over at Kenji's place in Wack Wack Tower in Tiger City Mandaluyong. (I love saying that! Tiger City!) It was Tobal, Jan Sunday, the entire QCC and I who were in the same flight at 5:55am. We have not slept the night before so we inevitably crashed when we got to the swanky air-conditioned condo unit. (Super thanks, Kenj!)

23rd floor. We were fly.

When we woke up at around noon-ish, Dianne arrived, we got ready, Keida picked us up and brought us to Asia Pacific College, where he teaches Advanced Photography. They were having their college days and we got to hang a bit in there. I loved their cafeteria! There was a band playing inside and we got to meet some of Keida's students, and we got to roam around the halls.

Giant hotdog float with mustard jizz iz funny.

Fast forward to about an hour later, we met Jon Earl AKA Ears With Feet AKA the long time internet friend I  have never met when I've met almost every long time internet friend I've ever had.

I forgot to check if his ears did have feet. Damn.

Sorry, I am super awkward. Unless you crack jokes and ask me questions, I black out and do not know what to say. Meeting someone for the first time is overwhelming especially when that someone is important. But I'm glad we got to silently hang and they brought us to this place called The Collective in Makati. It's supposed to be this counterpart of Cubao X where there are creative shops and stuff. Here are some photos.

Vinyl On Vinyl. It's an art space and a store.

A cozy vegetarian food place. Great Miso soup.

A sweet collection of spectacles in a hip shop called Hysteric.

It was nice. Saw Mango Red shoot a pre-nup in there and I was in awe. They are like the best in the thing they do. I wanted to ask to have my picture taken with them but welp, I pussied out again. Sorry.

It's theeeeeeeem! *gushes*

After the hang, Keida drove us to the Terror show where we reunited with the "CCHC" people haha. IDK why I find this label funny but anyway, Cheryl (my Lavi) arrived and we got to take a photo with Scott Vogel and got my humble KOTF postcard signed by him. That was a happy moment indeed!

It's taped on my bedroom wall now! :)

It was an awesome show even though the place wasn't big enough and the sound system was a bit off, the energy everyone gave off emanated in the room and turned it into a piece of hardcore heaven.

This happened! I was there! Great photo by Mel Lacson Dolorico

Tobal and I stayed 3 more days after the show. There were times he wanted to just stay in and give up on the idea of walking around. I'm glad I convinced him to get up and walk with me to Megamall, ride the MRT, hang at Cubao X with the Lavies, go to MOA and meet Moshi before our flight home and stuff.

Some people wouldn't think it ideal either, braving the heat and the people and all that shit but I love it. Okay, I hated the heat but I loved the concrete jungle. The dirt, the buses, the MRT, the giant billboards, the confusion, the uncertainty, all things opposite of super chill Cebu City.

I may sound like such a weirdo but, Manila, I love you. I'll be back. Somehow.

Holy Terror!

I have this great nagging regret not seeing Bane when they landed P.I. last year so I'm totally stoked about Terror. I am not crazy about Terror as I am over Bane or over H2O or over my all-time favorite GCF. I am okay with Terror. I understand people going nuts over Terror. The reason I'm going is 1. Jan offered me a trip to Manila (where the show's gonna happen), 2. I got my parents to approve of this travel, and 3. I'm ready to be converted to be a Keeper of The Faith. Haha.

I haven't listened to the entire KOTF album. I haven't listened to "all" of their past releases, either, so I couldn't really evaluate the progress this band has made which means, I am incapable of doing a decent review. Not to come off defensive, I take my hardcore seriously but I gotta know the band's repertoire (and heart) to be able to decide if I love them or not which explains why I only love a few. (This is also the way I think relationships should go! Haha!)

Welp, here goes something! :)

TWENTY ELEVEN

It's the time for resolutions once more but we all know we can follow our dreams any day of the year, it just really depends on how we feel and what we are going through and all other factors affecting our lives and stuff. So it really is safe to say that we don't have the right to judge people who've made long listas for the new year but unable to accomplish anything over a month.

How defensive.

I haven't had alcohol on the first day of the year and it doesn't feel right but I spent hours in the kitchen cooking for a party of 100. I think I've gotten sick, been coughing and wheezing and having minor headaches. I'll survive this.

Instead of making new year's resolutions, I decided to try to continue what I've been doing since the last quarter of 2010.

I drew and painted, I cooked and wrote and blogged about it and I stayed at home a lot more (which made my parents really freakin' happy). All I'm willing to do now is to stop worrying too much about the future because 1. worrying is pointless and 2. the future should worry about me. I really did LOL IRL.

Seriously, worrying got me nowhere.

I don't know what it is with 2011 but I have a really strong gut feel that it's going to be a much better year than 2010 the same way I kind of felt near the end of 2009 that 2010 is going to suck.

I DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE BUT THIS IS MY BLOG AND...

2010 was a bitch

if you ask me. It really was, most of the time. And I did not mean that in a cute sort of nostalgic way. I am mad pissed at 2010 and I couldn't wait to start and see what a new year would be like. I should be grateful for a lot of things and I seriously and wholeheartedly am but this year had been heartbreaking and oppressive it felt like in every good thing that happened, there was a bad thing that came along with it double in size. I can't be compelled to delve into the nitty-gritty of it all because it would just demean the URL address of this blog. So my dear imaginary readers, I will spare you the details of my awful year.

For one thing, I decided to stop spreading this thing around which means you must be terribly bored if you are reading this. I do not judge you because I am also that way and being judgmental is stepping back 100 years which is idiotic.

I'm thinking, does this blog still serve a purpose other than being a dump for my shamelessness? I don't think so. But I also do not want to think that nobody ever reads this shit. Although, a part of me wants to think that so I won't ever have any qualms typing down like a mad woman and never ever censoring anything. But the truth is, there will always be one or two who'd stumble upon My Not-So-Private Life and they (you) may be the wrong people. I love you even if I don't know who you are but that's beside the point. The internet is still a scary place like.. the world.

I believe in many things like:
Nobody should take it against anyone if their blog has a picture of themselves shirtless.
Kindness will go a long way but getting your ass kicked is really terrible.
Being nice all of the time doesn't make you a good person.
Doing the right things will eventually pay off.
Everyone I know is living behind a facade including me. It's something to fight.
Personal demons can be scared off.
Right timing is everything and is so freaking hard.
Social anxiety is the worst kind of anxiety in the whole freaking universe.
et cetera et cetera

I'm not the most positive person like the way I use this internet moniker in half of my online accounts. In real life, I am a skeptic. At best, I am just plain lazy which can be misunderstood sometimes as being "chill". But no it's not "chill" it's being apathetic and that's never ever a positive trait. What's positive though is that I recognize that weakness and I'm trying to find ways to work around it. Work is positive. I'm kind of glad knowing I'm not spiraling downward. Not too much.

If there's a moral in this story, it's always find time to know yourself. Like what they say, every day is one day less. I figured everything I do better be worth it.

The Rules of Attraction

I always think about reasons to especially liking a person. In my "study", I get drawn to someone who gives me special attention, drops hints, remember the most remote things I said or in this case, "posted" in the past. I think those things light my fire immediately. So there was this incident when someone I've known for a long time did just that. It ignited some kind of flame or whatever.

Maybe, I'm just lonely as hell but still, it counted. I didn't toss and turn in bed thinking about it really but I couldn't take that incident off my mind. And well, along with that incident, is he.

I couldn't take him off my mind.

Seriously, seriously, seriously, I would not prefer to like this person. Why? Because I am not supposed to! But why? I would like to point out this man's + and - :

+ He is wise beyond his years, smarter than half of the people I know

- Younger than I

- Loud and obnoxious at times

+ Very very very ridiculously funny

- Drunk

- Hedonistic

+ Good looking

+ Articulate

+ Has a job

- We have too many common friends

Enough of this bullshit, really. But why? Why can't I like him?

I'd answer this, honest to blog.

I don't believe someone like him would want someone like me. I am just being realistic. I am not putting myself down. It's just that these things couldn't possibly happen to me. I know his type. He likes pretty girls. Ridiculously pretty girls. Okay, so do all boys. But yes, I am not his type. Period! And I should not like him. Period.

But I just couldn't take him off my mind.

The things he said and did (via alcohol).

The things he said and did, which may never happen again right?

That was just one night.

In the longest time we've known each other, he never ever ever took a point across or drop a hint that there is a slightest possibility that he likes me.

Never.

Just that one night.

And I shouldn't take this one night seriously, right?

No one like him would ever want me.

I am no exception to any rule.

He is one of those very very predictable men we call "bros" hahaha and he's got "bro" friends as well. The ones who post photos of very beautiful women in their facebook walls and discuss in painful detail everything they can possibly do to her.

Oh my God!

I couldn't possibly fall for a bro! Fuck this shit. Should move away from trouble before trouble's too deep.

There is nowhere else but here.

After almost a year, I'm back. I won't say for good (or for bad. . haha) but I came back because there really is nowhere else but here. For real time events, we all have Twitter and Facebook but I don't know. I am still itching to write sometimes. Tumblr isn't even an option. That site is more like a dump of everything you see and hear and photos and scraps of whatever stuff mostly forgettable anyway. It's too much to handle.

This blog is like an old provincial hometown I left for greener pastures (the latest innovative social networking sites) and somewhere to return to when life is just too much in the big city. I'm back.

A lot has happened the past year. I don't even know where to start. The great thing about writing in here is that I don't feel like there are rules to follow. I don't have to start chronologically right? Just the events that seem pretty major like:

♥ saw my sister and her family back home from Switzerland early this year

♥ finished my last three major subjects with good grades

♥ worked in a restaurant kitchen for 2 1/2 months without pay

♥ went to Manila - saw Dashboard Confessional play and talked to Chris Carrabba for like a few seconds lol and have him sign a cd and my shirt

♥ tasted Dairy Queen for the first time

♥ saw a man I love get married

♥ found someone else to love and he turns out to be married(ish. . seriously taken)

stuff like that. .

Sorry about the last two in the list, I am quite OA when it comes to matters of the heart and I guess having a food blog and keeping myself busy with other things like career (which I don't have as of the moment) and family and music and art and whatever doesn't really change that fact, it just helps in alleviating and/or aggravating the problem. . whatever works. LOL

My last post in here's like September 2009. Fast forward to today.

I had this petty fight with my ma this afternoon because she rearranged furniture in my bedroom and I didn't want her to. But she was right and I was wrong. The bedroom looked better. I just couldn't admit it to her though or she would be high and mighty yak about how right she was. I love her. She cares about the things I care about. My brother told me to throw away my books because he thinks it is the devil. He said it made me jaded and artsy and fucks up my priorities and he said the reason why I don't have a love life and a job is because I am too alternative and passive and hedonistic and selfish. In his words, I don't take life seriously.

He may have a point. But headstrong as I am, I do not take it. Really, this is all I got. These are the only things I know are mine. If he took away the very few things I'm good at, I am better dead.

I just fell silent today. What am I in this house but a bum? He's right in that area.

But you know, I try. I am looking for a job. I am waiting for calls.

And I don't want to work a job that I don't like (call center agent?).

I would rather get minimum wage cooking or busing dishes.

I could not throw away my books. I could not stop listening

to the type of music I love.

I know a lot of people who threw their dreams away for money. I know a lot of people who chose to turn their backs from the things and people they love for something the world told them would be better.

They are miserable.

Call me immature. I am just not that type of person. I tried to be. I felt dead, you know. Really, I would rather die.

Happiness can't be bought.

I just want to be happy.

We all do.

The one who got away.

I wanted to do the right thing, hard as it was. My beautiful parents taught me well.
But one thing that was never discussed in the dinner table and Sunday get-together was how to deal with love when it fails you.

Ma and Pa never skips the sermon on 'true love that waits', 'true and honest love', 'enduring love', 'love is work', 'waiting for the right one', 'chastity' and all other subjects that only hardline Catholic parents could muster and I will be forever grateful for the morals they have instilled in me. I believe that discipline is one of the best kinds of love a parent can give their kids. Without it, I would have been out there doing unthinkable and unspeakable things. I would have been a lot more wounded girl in this cruel world.

And then came love. The kind you read in books and see in films. The intense feeling of being swept off your feet. The overwhelming kind. And the best part, it was the kind of love that was returned and maybe even more than you could ever have again.

Everything in its perfect place. The feeling was mutual. The distance contributed to the build up - like the start of a song towards the chorus. He, the ideal man. Strong and wise with a sense of humor that matched your own. The man who wanted to meet you. The man who wanted to see you and cook for you in the morning.

The man with a wife and child.

When the world crashes down on you, when your walls collapse, when your sanity leaves you one day at a time, what do you do?

The hardest part was not doing the right thing.
The hardest part of it all was when the right thing kills you in the middle of the night when you sleep alone in the dark. The hardest part was getting through the day with smile on the lips and grief in the heart. The hardest part was convincing him that the feeling is no longer mutual on your part.

A few years of silence with a bit of friendship in between.

And after the longest time - the first meeting. The face to face encounter between the one who let go and the one who got away. You shake hands and kiss amicably. How are you? How's work? Life? Like a drill you've been practicing all those years you've missed out on each other. Kids and career. A little about the wife. You feel a pang of sorrow nibbling on your ear.

You ask yourself, "Am I a better person for being here?" just to test yourself a little like seeing him in the flesh is not already too much. And the answer, of course, is YES.

Yes, you are a better person for choosing right over wrong. What if's and regrets aside, you are stronger for going through the fire rather than playing with it. Your humanity is larger than life. Your love exceeds your emotions. Your brokenness a sacrifice.

And now, alone you face the future. With strength, you will get by. Loneliness being a constant visitor. Your mind being the disagreeable dog that guards the gates of your longing heart.

You are the one who got away.


+ + +

'For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
And think not you can direct the course of love
For if love finds you worthy, it will direct your course. '

-Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet)

Giving.

Today is a great day. I made someone smile and no, that someone isn't me. It also happened that there is not only one, but a few people who I couldn't imagine smiling through their day. Today I, together with my mom and sister, gave away a few bags of clothing, shoes and toys that had been lying around in the house to random homeless men, women and children downtown. We also imparted some home-cooked food to them. There is nothing I can compare to the feeling that I have made someone happy, even just a little, especially the kids. I am not rich. My family is not rich but I couldn't see why I couldn't share something to those who have less.

I started this in 2007 as a way of thanksgiving for all the blessings God has given my family. My sister and I stuffed packed lunches in our bags and backpacked one December evening to the heart of the city. A few warm meals. A few smiles. We went to these kids sleeping through their hunger and woke them up. It was the best feeling in the world. If only I could do it everyday.

I didn't want to tell people about it until one of my friends got interested. I thought to myself, why not become a reminder for others to do the same? So last year before Sinulog, I pitched in the idea to my parents, who I thought would just give me some cash to go grocery shopping. Instead, they went downtown with me to give away stuff. Since then, they told me that we'd do it every year or whenever we have the opportunity. Since the end/beginning of the year is always the time to clean out whatever is old and useless, rather than selling or throwing it away, it's a better idea to give it to those who might find it useful.

Today, we did it again. I never thought we could. We were broke as the year ended as my father suffered a heart attack last September. But he survived and that is blessing enough to give back no matter how simple and small.

I will always believe that when we keep it in our heads, that we do not own a single thing in this world, we will grow to become kinder, more giving children of God.

Holidays and Alcohol

Forget about the last post. I had a merry Christmas. I had the blues when Christmas was approaching and it was a two week long glum and gloom but somewhere there I thought about how pathetic drama is and it's really pointless being sullen on the happiest time of the year. Maybe I only wanted to stray away from everything people are supposed to feel at Christmas time. I'm a crazed poser.

I drank wine. Liters of it. I drank tequila, beer, rum. I drank and drank and drank until it came like a zapping slapping fist to my face. To hell with the blues.

It's a shame I came to start this blog out as something inspiring and encouraging but slowly backsliding into something ominous and somewhat dark. I want to be a lot more positive this 2009. Tackle the world with a ready smile. Must must must!

Resolutions are talked about as the new year approaches but all I could think of right now is that I want to be a better person than I have been and am. I want to be useful. I want to be productive. I want to become more optimistic. Heaps more. I want to be wiser. I want to be kinder. I want to be more honest. I want to be fair. I want to become a more faithful sister, daughter and friend. I want to be brave. Brave enough to try to love again and try new things and discover new roads to take. Brave enough to decide for myself and be responsible for those decisions. I want to have the heart to finish whatever it is that I have started and will start. I want to start over.

Oh, God, You are so good to me.
Oh, life. I want you.

When friends become strangers.

When you are with somebody who is and had been special to you for quite a long period of time, it's not likely to cross your mind how this person could exit your life.
I would have wanted this post to be some sort of a tell-all but I changed my mind. Because in life, there is one thing that I am certain of, and that is anything can happen. Now, I wouldn't want to write things I might regret later on the way I did with some stuff in my blogs before but I guess that is all a part of the growth process. With it, also comes the chance for comparisons. The befores and afters, the what could have beens.

"Burning bridges" is like a song in my head that I can't sing. It's playing all the time but I couldn't let it out of my mouth. I can't blurt it out. I couldn't do it. It's wishful thinking. It amazes me how some could do it easily. It must be depending upon the gravity of the situation or the weight of the other party's fault.

Burning bridges.

Can you imagine taking someone out of your life. Peeling off everything you have to do with that person? Lifting off every imaginable great times. Sometimes forgiving but ultimately forgetting?

I have a friend who told me once, that she is capable of doing this. I'd like to think that I am too, and I have tried it but with the help of distance, not communicating and totally avoiding their way. Until now, I am able to keep them away but I still have to come up with something to say if ever we bump into each other with no excuse for me to not say hi. "I'm sorry, wrong person!"
"You must be talking about my long lost twin sister!" "I had amnesia" "Ha? Who are you?!" I might as well run away you know.

It's true that the more people you meet, the more people become candidates to be forgotten. Sometimes, I lay on my bed and wonder why I let this person in to my life in the first place. How could I have not smelled the ten thousand dead rats? Instead, I noticed the hint of shampoo in their hair. I only get to realize it when it's too late. We're already friends.



It actually takes time to discover it. It's not like a friend commits one mistake and you tell yourself the friendship's over. Even if she stole your boyfriend, there are things to consider especially when that friendship had been built years and years ago. It's never one mistake. I found that it adds up, one little disappointment at a time. Then you wake up and ask yourself why you never want to see or speak with that person again. Then you think you're such an awful person for even thinking about it. Then you blame yourself.

Then you stick with that person another few years ignoring the signs, dealing with it without doing anything to amicably settle things putting up with all the silly things thinking it's not a big deal. Thing is, you really don't want to hurt anyone and end up hurting yourself. It's really like a bad marriage if you ask me. Like a bomb ticking, waiting to blow your brains out.

So what are your options?
What are really friends for?
Are these friends worth your love?
Who can answer these questions?

People are so afraid of being alone in the world, the Pope even noticed it. In World Youth Day this year he talked about how people nowadays are nurturing a quiet sense of despair. So maybe this is it. We take in as many people as we like to have in our lives like there's no tomorrow. This is evident in our myspaces and friendsters and facebooks. This is evident in open relationships. This is evident in our lives.

I'm not discouraging the endless possibilities of creating friendships throughout my life. But one thing I would keep reminding myself is that there is a time for holding on, and a time for letting go. Completely.

Long lost book...

I couldn't remember the last time I have partially read this book, or have I read it to the end? It escapes me. One thing I'm sure of is that it had been several years ago.

I was surprised to see it in Mimi's bedroom. Her family have just moved into a new house a few months back and last week was my first time to go there. I was lounging in her bedroom and saw it atop the nook of the dresser.

It was Living, Loving and Learning by Leo Buscaglia, Ph.D.

I borrowed it back. I want to learn again that when you re-read a book, it's always different every time. I am reading random chapters of it and I remember some. I am smiling most of the time. I never thought that I have been paying attention to Buscaglia. All those years passed and I'm happy to find that I applied (some of) it.

It's hard to find a favorite part of such a beautiful book but in every point of your life, there will always be words that will fit.

At this moment, here is mine. Buscaglia wrote:

I don't know where you put me, but believe me, I'm nowhere else than where you are. I'm just as confused. I'm just as lonely. I'm just as despairing. I cry as often. I have no more answers than you do. I've just stopped asking the questions. I'm just involved in the process. I'm not even asking for answers anymore. I just think it's a wonderful thing that I am. And people write me letters, and they say, why death? Why pain? Why must children die? Why must we be despairing, etc? I write back and say "How the hell should I know?" Greater people than I have been asking those questions for centuries. I don't know why. But I do remember that many, many years ago, somebody said that sometimes we get so involved in the questions that we don't live the answers.


I say Amen to that.
I say if you are looking for a book to while away the time, pick this up. Pick it up because it's real.
Among all the fiction piling up in your room, go get this beautiful non-fiction. Who knows you can positively live your life because you got bored.

^_~

Out of guilt? Out of love? Or guilt because I love Him?

Today, I received this e-mail from Brother Bo:

+++

TWO-FACED CHRISTIAN

“No one can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other.” – Matthew 6:24

A woman asked a priest to officiate the blessing of her newly-opened grocery store. The blessing was scheduled on a particular date. On that day, a typhoon hit Metro Manila and all the streets surrounding her grocery were flooded. The priest called the lady and asked if they could postpone the blessing of the place. But the lady insisted since her “stars” revealed that that was a lucky day. So, with their feet submerged in water, the blessing pushed through.

How often do we succumb to these kinds of practices? On New Year’s Eve, some people wear polka dots, put coins in their pockets or buy 12 kinds of round fruits for good luck. Others consult their horoscopes or a fortuneteller to guide them in their decisions.

Most people say, “I’ve got nothing to lose when I do these things.” But as professed Christians, we need to be vigilant regarding what we get ourselves into. By believing in superstitions, we are offending God and opening ourselves to danger. The first commandment states, “I am the Lord Your God; you shall not have strange gods before Me.”

Who do you worship? Our choices and our actions reveal whose side we are on. Judith Concepcion

REFLECTION:

Make a decision today to worship God alone and renounce all other gods in your life.

Lord, forgive me for having offended You. You are my Lord and my All.

+++

All the things that I have been thinking lately are becoming too clear that denial would be incredibly intentional. What am I doing with my life? I am making people happy. I am pleasing them the same as I am pleasing myself. But what am I doing to God? Why do I always fall away? Why am I letting these things happen? Having fun. Prioritizing the worldly life? Of course I'm not tired of it all. What person would get tired from having fun and living the kind of life and having the circle of friends that I have?


God, I have been asking for signs. All I ever asked for most is wisdom. I said once that I'm going to follow You from now on but look at me, I am such a failure.


Today, in my humblest way, I'm going to follow the signs You've been sending me.

I kissed dating goodbye.

Last month, I had this unexpected date with my best friend Mimi. It had been unbelievably almost a year since we got to spend time just with each other (since she had a boyfriend and job and I had the music scene and school). She came over to my apartment and took me to SM. There was a lot to catch up on.

We ate and laughed and took pictures and browsed around inside Powerbooks, and we were standing there in front of the bright light of the inspirational section and she saw me reading the back portion of a book and she asked me if I liked it and I said I've heard a lot about it. She told me that she had been wondering what gift to get me that month since my birthday had already passed and she just didn't get to decide. That day, she bought me this book...



That night, I read the introduction. The author, Joshua Harris, thanked the reader for picking up his book. He also wrote that some people never get past the title.
I started reading the first chapter and it kept me awake for some days.
I had to stop reading.
It was too much to bear. It was too much information and truth and affirmation.

Why affirmation?

Because whenever I have a question or whenever I wonder, I have this habit of asking myself first before I turn to anyone or anything else. And not even halfway through, the book had already told me things that I already asked myself many times before, that I already knew the answers to. I already knew the answers but why am I in the same vicious cycle over and over again? Falling in and out of love (is it really)?

And I stopped reading it for now because it is painful. The truth is painful and scary and hard and never convenient.

With things like relationships, my part was most of the time, the third person (I was about to say party but it sounded malicious he he).The witness. The analyst. The one-man-cheering-squad. I even think I have more experience than most people who are actually 'in the relationship'. Not to be cocky, but I knew better simply because thinking had always been a huge part when I feel 'in love' maybe because early on in my life (before I even had my first romantic relationship), I've seen the people around me experience a lot of pain out of diving into one relationship to the next looking for the right person or living with the wrong people that they try to change. Looking for people who will complete them because that's the way it's supposed to be right? If you love somebody you can't breathe without him, live without him, be without him.

You can't be complete without him.

If you are in love, it is the only truth you know. But if you step back from the feeling, that statement is actually a total mess. And it's not the other person's mess. It is yours.

I have this friend, let's just call her Mary. When we were in high school Mary was a tomboy like me. We cross-dress wearing mainly baggy pants and t-shirts and canvass shoes. We even played in the high school band as drummers (not baton twirlers) and the softball team. Most of our friends were guys. Being naturally pretty, Mary was always hit on by the guys but because she was a tough chick, nobody messed around with her. We had a great friendship until she started dating.

When we were in high school falling in love is the biggest thing that could happen. It was like an earthquake that only you could feel. A storm that only you can get hit. Then your friends are the news team to cover the entire story. In high school, the big exam don't come as close to the fact that your crush said hi when you bump into each other in the hallway. If he admits he likes you back, it's winning the lottery.

So Mary began dating. At first it wasn't love, she told me. I remember the guy cried his way to her heart. Waiting outside the school. Admitting to getting fevers and not being able to sleep. At first, she didn't care. Mary was tough but then she told me, what the heck! In a week, the guy became her boyfriend. They did everything together and I was there. I saw the whole trail of the train but too young to foresee that it's gonna be a wreck at the end. I stood by her through their petty fights and childish accusations. I was on the phone with them. I was there when they finally broke up after 2 weeks. Mary and I were 15. The guy was 14.

Then Mary being broken-hearted, promised me and herself that she's never ever going to fall in love again. To hell with boys. We were happy once more hanging out with our usual crowd. Then out of nowhere she's at it again. She didn't tell me that she'd met this guy. I found out only when they're already together. So I sat by and watched them. Being the supportive friend, I was there. The same train wreck, only it lasted for almost 2 years. Mary and I were 17. The guy was 16. I asked her once about the promise she made. She told me to grow up and said that it's time we should start practicing for the future. I believed her because I felt different. Everybody was getting hooked and I was there, alone and boyfriendless.



For years it made me feel disappointed in myself. I thought there is something wrong with me. Why is it that whenever the opportunity comes for me to be with someone, there is something inside me that says. DON'T.

One guy friend used to tell me that I'm too picky. My girl friends tell me I should drop the weight and start wearing a skirt for the guys to notice me more. A guy friend told me I didn't have to do that. Instead, I should just stop thinking too much, he said. I was terrified. Because I know that without my head, I would come down to nothing.

And now, a book and a preacher proved me right.
All along I heard that voice that says DON'T. I thought it was paranoia. I thought it was fear of heartbreaks. I thought it was fear of commitment. I didn't know it was God's way of telling me to love myself first instead of seeking someone to feed my loneliness and romantic musings. It takes a lot of courage to admit it and it is only by grace that I finally start to see things more clearly.



I have had my share of relationships. From long distance to not-so-long distance. All I can say is that when the person you love becomes your all, you get lost. When you say you love that person because, I found myself when I found you, you are totally loving that person for all the wrong reasons.


I will continue reading my book, with courage, that I pray.
Because there is an entire world to tell you about how I'm going to kiss dating goodbye. Even, I, have an entire world to learn.

For now, I leave you with this little something in my head.

True love starts when the feeling ends.
True love is when you start to decide.

Inked for life.

Moving along the story of my tattooed existence, this is going to be a very long read-intensive post. (You may want to grab some popcorn and drinks. LOL)

December of last year was a huge turning point in my life. My faith was renewed. My religion stays the same (Catholic) but my life was changed. For many months, I had been searching for answers to a lot of things that had been bugging my mind. I prayed constantly to find something, anything that will give me peace.

If you research about it, depression has a lot of symptoms. I didn't have one. Or my pride was too high to show anybody that I was keeping a lot of these symptoms hidden. I kept it inside. I wouldn't dare talk about it even to the closest people to me. Not family nor best friends. Depression is something to laugh about if you are from here. It's not even talked about. I've never met anyone who was clinically depressed. It is not acknowledged. 'Depressed' is a word used when you are heart-broken. You are merely problematic. If you are depressed, there's got to be a reason then. If the reason is good enough, they'd expect you to go out or eat a lot of sweets or get drunk to get over it. If you can't point out a reason why you've lost interest in life, then you are a brat. That's what they'll think. After all, there are millions of people in the world who are starving. You don't have the right to be depressed. Depression is a hollywood tale.

So I didn't have anything to call what I was going through. I had problems but I knew those things weren't the main reason as to why I was in a rut. Plus, I was quite distracted by all sorts of activities to be caught locked up in my room for weeks. I had to carry all these things as I go through my everyday existence. I was empty. God was quite busy somewhere, I thought, but I kept praying.

One night, I saw this comment posted by an online friend to her own page. She said she had fun at GenRev Night. Now, I have heard of GenRev Night before but I have never been to one. GenRev is a shorter term for Generation Revolution, a community of Catholic students who gets together for a revival meetings and such. I always see banners for it but only once or twice a year. So I saw this comment and I sent a message to this online friend asking for details. She told me that there is a GenRev Night every Saturday in a Chinese school in the middle of the city! It was a light bulb moment my hands were shaking, my heart was beating really fast. I couldn't remember what day it was but I knew I waited for a few days till I was able to experience it.
I prayed then and swore to God that I'm going there the next Saturday no matter what.



That week, my friend RR told me that his tattoo artist friend Ryan is opening up his new tattoo shop. I was surprised to learn that Drakki, the studio where I got first inked had already moved out long ago and that same studio is now occupied by Ink For Life. RR invited me to the opening party and it was that same Saturday that I am going to GenRev!

My heart skipped.

In the past months, I had been searching for a new artist to work on me. I wanted to get inked again. Someone who charges affordable but who has light hands and great with the machine. I planned to go back to Russell but since he moved into a better business building, I thought he would charge more. So I waited and it came.

I asked my great artist friend Nicolo to make me a stained glass sacred heart design. I loved what he did and so with it in my hand, I went to GenRev that fateful Saturday night. That night was a flood of emotions. It was raining as I walked around the area searching for the right building and then, I was guided by voices towards the hall. The moment I set foot inside the door and saw the bright lights in front of me, I cried a bucket of tears. I was saved. I was called. All questions erased in less than thirty minutes. There are not enough words to fill this blog what I had found that night (or what God has revealed to me) but that was it. I was a changed person when I left GenRev.


(It was God's party.)


After the revival, I walked the streets to get to the shop. From afar, I saw RR smoking outside. He welcomed me and said they have been waiting for me. It turned out he already told Buddhi (the owner) and Ryan that I have a design ready. We were introduced. They were very nice and Ryan checked my design. I told him I want it in the middle of my chest. For a moment he got quiet and smoked. He then asked if I am sure that I truly want it on my chest. I said yes. That night, I was affirmed more than ever that God had something to do with everything. I let fate lead my feet to where I was going. I was even waiting for a distraction from anyone. One text message or call to tell me to be somewhere else, and I would have canceled that meeting. I prayed for it. There was nothing. It even stopped raining. I was laughing deep inside of how things are going that night. It was hilarious.

I said yes. He said he wants to be honest with me as much as possible. I said What is it? He said the chest is one of the most painful parts of the body to get tattooed on. I told him I already have one tat on my shoulder. I thought to myself it couldn't be that bad! So he set a schedule. It was the Monday after that weekend. I usually suck at remembering details but that night was one of the most incredible nights of my life.


In my head was a bible passage read out that Saturday night. It was John 15:4 and it goes:
Remain in me, and I in you, as the branch is not able to bear fruit of itself, if it may not remain in the vine, so neither ye, if ye may not remain in me.

It ran through my head over and over and over. Remain in me. Remain in me. Like the tattoo that is forever. Remain in me.


(excruciating pain)

Ryan was right. The worst pain I have ever experienced was when I was rushed to the hospital because of UTI a few years back. It felt like my body was going to be cut in half right in the middle by swords. It lasted two days. The chest tattoo felt the same only, it lasted two hours. But it was worth it. Everytime people ask me if it hurt, all I say is that it's like giving birth. The labor was torture but all pain is gone when you see the baby. haha.

To the amazement of everyone in the shop, I didn't cry or ask Ryan to stop. In fact, he was the one who asked for a break. He went up (the shop was a basement) outside to smoke. I didn't ask for a re-schedule either. Ryan said it's true that women have a higher tolerance of pain than men. I couldn't agree more. It was a done deal and I payed a thousand pesos for it. It was a good deal.

In the days of healing, I visited the shop regularly. Hanging out with everyone there. We became good friends that even lead to me organizing a gig to promote the shop. I took some friends over to check out the shop and some of them became clients and buddies (which I will feature in another post).

One night (this happened when I used to drink), Ryan and Buddhi asked me if I wanted to get a chest piece carrying their name. I was having second thoughts since it was never a great idea (for me) to get name tattoos. It turned out they were kidding about that part but not about the chest piece. It was all I ever wanted but I knew that I couldn't afford it. Then Ryan said it was going to be for the tattoo competition in January the following year and it will be 100% sponsored. I almost died with glee. I gave them my 100% yes.

I had no idea for a design. Weeks later, I went to my schedule. It was almost Christmas then and I told myself it was going to be the best Christmas ever.

Ryan came up with these babies.


I thought they were adorable.

On New Year's day when the wounds healed up, Ryan came up with the background.


I couldn't be happier.

With all the colors that are just stunning, I had the best Christmas gift.
My chest piece won First Prize in the Annual Tattoo Competition (under Ready-Made Colored Category) last January 2008. Another special gift I got then was how my parents took it lightly (which surprised me because they are conservative). Also, my family were all healthy that New Year and up to now, we all are in good shape. Round is a good shape. LOL. I am not depressed anymore. I have the occasional bad days but there is just nothing to be afraid of anymore because He remains in me. Most importantly, these tattoos are forever going to be a part of me. They may fade in time but it is certainly a reminder of the night that I heard God's call. It will never ever be forgotten.

My tattoo has a story.

And it will have sequels. ^_~