I kissed dating goodbye.

Last month, I had this unexpected date with my best friend Mimi. It had been unbelievably almost a year since we got to spend time just with each other (since she had a boyfriend and job and I had the music scene and school). She came over to my apartment and took me to SM. There was a lot to catch up on.

We ate and laughed and took pictures and browsed around inside Powerbooks, and we were standing there in front of the bright light of the inspirational section and she saw me reading the back portion of a book and she asked me if I liked it and I said I've heard a lot about it. She told me that she had been wondering what gift to get me that month since my birthday had already passed and she just didn't get to decide. That day, she bought me this book...



That night, I read the introduction. The author, Joshua Harris, thanked the reader for picking up his book. He also wrote that some people never get past the title.
I started reading the first chapter and it kept me awake for some days.
I had to stop reading.
It was too much to bear. It was too much information and truth and affirmation.

Why affirmation?

Because whenever I have a question or whenever I wonder, I have this habit of asking myself first before I turn to anyone or anything else. And not even halfway through, the book had already told me things that I already asked myself many times before, that I already knew the answers to. I already knew the answers but why am I in the same vicious cycle over and over again? Falling in and out of love (is it really)?

And I stopped reading it for now because it is painful. The truth is painful and scary and hard and never convenient.

With things like relationships, my part was most of the time, the third person (I was about to say party but it sounded malicious he he).The witness. The analyst. The one-man-cheering-squad. I even think I have more experience than most people who are actually 'in the relationship'. Not to be cocky, but I knew better simply because thinking had always been a huge part when I feel 'in love' maybe because early on in my life (before I even had my first romantic relationship), I've seen the people around me experience a lot of pain out of diving into one relationship to the next looking for the right person or living with the wrong people that they try to change. Looking for people who will complete them because that's the way it's supposed to be right? If you love somebody you can't breathe without him, live without him, be without him.

You can't be complete without him.

If you are in love, it is the only truth you know. But if you step back from the feeling, that statement is actually a total mess. And it's not the other person's mess. It is yours.

I have this friend, let's just call her Mary. When we were in high school Mary was a tomboy like me. We cross-dress wearing mainly baggy pants and t-shirts and canvass shoes. We even played in the high school band as drummers (not baton twirlers) and the softball team. Most of our friends were guys. Being naturally pretty, Mary was always hit on by the guys but because she was a tough chick, nobody messed around with her. We had a great friendship until she started dating.

When we were in high school falling in love is the biggest thing that could happen. It was like an earthquake that only you could feel. A storm that only you can get hit. Then your friends are the news team to cover the entire story. In high school, the big exam don't come as close to the fact that your crush said hi when you bump into each other in the hallway. If he admits he likes you back, it's winning the lottery.

So Mary began dating. At first it wasn't love, she told me. I remember the guy cried his way to her heart. Waiting outside the school. Admitting to getting fevers and not being able to sleep. At first, she didn't care. Mary was tough but then she told me, what the heck! In a week, the guy became her boyfriend. They did everything together and I was there. I saw the whole trail of the train but too young to foresee that it's gonna be a wreck at the end. I stood by her through their petty fights and childish accusations. I was on the phone with them. I was there when they finally broke up after 2 weeks. Mary and I were 15. The guy was 14.

Then Mary being broken-hearted, promised me and herself that she's never ever going to fall in love again. To hell with boys. We were happy once more hanging out with our usual crowd. Then out of nowhere she's at it again. She didn't tell me that she'd met this guy. I found out only when they're already together. So I sat by and watched them. Being the supportive friend, I was there. The same train wreck, only it lasted for almost 2 years. Mary and I were 17. The guy was 16. I asked her once about the promise she made. She told me to grow up and said that it's time we should start practicing for the future. I believed her because I felt different. Everybody was getting hooked and I was there, alone and boyfriendless.



For years it made me feel disappointed in myself. I thought there is something wrong with me. Why is it that whenever the opportunity comes for me to be with someone, there is something inside me that says. DON'T.

One guy friend used to tell me that I'm too picky. My girl friends tell me I should drop the weight and start wearing a skirt for the guys to notice me more. A guy friend told me I didn't have to do that. Instead, I should just stop thinking too much, he said. I was terrified. Because I know that without my head, I would come down to nothing.

And now, a book and a preacher proved me right.
All along I heard that voice that says DON'T. I thought it was paranoia. I thought it was fear of heartbreaks. I thought it was fear of commitment. I didn't know it was God's way of telling me to love myself first instead of seeking someone to feed my loneliness and romantic musings. It takes a lot of courage to admit it and it is only by grace that I finally start to see things more clearly.



I have had my share of relationships. From long distance to not-so-long distance. All I can say is that when the person you love becomes your all, you get lost. When you say you love that person because, I found myself when I found you, you are totally loving that person for all the wrong reasons.


I will continue reading my book, with courage, that I pray.
Because there is an entire world to tell you about how I'm going to kiss dating goodbye. Even, I, have an entire world to learn.

For now, I leave you with this little something in my head.

True love starts when the feeling ends.
True love is when you start to decide.