Holidays and Alcohol

Forget about the last post. I had a merry Christmas. I had the blues when Christmas was approaching and it was a two week long glum and gloom but somewhere there I thought about how pathetic drama is and it's really pointless being sullen on the happiest time of the year. Maybe I only wanted to stray away from everything people are supposed to feel at Christmas time. I'm a crazed poser.

I drank wine. Liters of it. I drank tequila, beer, rum. I drank and drank and drank until it came like a zapping slapping fist to my face. To hell with the blues.

It's a shame I came to start this blog out as something inspiring and encouraging but slowly backsliding into something ominous and somewhat dark. I want to be a lot more positive this 2009. Tackle the world with a ready smile. Must must must!

Resolutions are talked about as the new year approaches but all I could think of right now is that I want to be a better person than I have been and am. I want to be useful. I want to be productive. I want to become more optimistic. Heaps more. I want to be wiser. I want to be kinder. I want to be more honest. I want to be fair. I want to become a more faithful sister, daughter and friend. I want to be brave. Brave enough to try to love again and try new things and discover new roads to take. Brave enough to decide for myself and be responsible for those decisions. I want to have the heart to finish whatever it is that I have started and will start. I want to start over.

Oh, God, You are so good to me.
Oh, life. I want you.

Christmas | Loneliness.

"It's funny how the most wonderful time of the year could make you realize how miserable you are."

You can quote me on that one. I didn't have to google those words to come up with a topic sentence. Maybe somebody else had already said it, or written it. It doesn't matter. It's bad enough some few million other people have felt it. When I was a kid, it never occurred to me that those times were the best times I'll ever have. But I'm glad I had a great time. The gifts, the togetherness, the warmth. I wouldn't say that I'll never feel that way again too. God, I hope not. Everything is different every time. Nothing will feel the same, or be the same as time progresses.

You don't have to agree with me but didn't you notice how sadness sinks in when you think about the more joyous times in your life?

When the whole family's there...
When you and good old friends go around the neighborhood singin' Christmas carols for a few coins...
When you put up socks for Santa and you actually believed he filled it up (and not your parents)...
When you live for candy and not die because of it...
When you actually take time to draw cards for every special person...
When Christmas truly meant something to you.

Christmas still means a lot to me. It even meant more to me than before. As a kid, Christmas to me was more about myself. How the light flickered for me, what presents I get, how sweet that ham would be, the shiny new things I'll be wearing for New Year. As I grew older, it's more about how I want other people to be happy. It's the other way around. It's a good thing isn't it? All grown up. All practical. All busy and responsible.

Sometimes, I look at our tree. It has become smaller. 3 feet high. A decade ago, our tree was taller than me. It took me half a day to furnish it with boxes of trinkets. My older sister was still around. She usually made the sauce for the ham and I missed that so much. We used to fight sometimes. When she got married and left our home, I knew it was normal but it was never made normal in our family. We were always taught that family meant sticking together no matter what. We were taught so much about holding on than letting go. Alongside LOVE, we were taught about GUILT. Together with WORK, we were also taught so much about SAFETY. I do not know if it crippled us as people, but I pretty much know that as sheltered as we were, it made us into loving and understanding human beings. Because of guilt, we loved more than we ought to and because of safety, my brother and I are awfully single than people our age are expected to be.

All grown up now... and here comes Christmas - a surefire way to remind us that we were happy.


Jesus, I wish that You will be happy on Your birthday.

I'm sad I'm not a geek.

As much as I would die to be in a classroom with an intellectual teaching the class, that is not going to happen. Not in a million years and not in the school I'm in. As much as I would die to be in a classroom where the teacher would throw reading assignments enough to make the class' nose bleed, these are things that are made out of movies, daydreams and English majors. So if you belong to a school or a class like that, you better make the most of it and learn to appreciate intellectual insults scrawled on your reaction paper. Thank the heavens that it was even read. I have been in and out of college for almost ten years now and there is barely a single change in course outlines. I understand that these things must be tried and tested to work but it just doesn't seem enough! When will they start pumping out brilliance from people? Or is that even part of the plan? Or is school:diploma the be-all and end-all for us students?

I know I sound like a geek. I'm not. I'm sad that I'm not a geek. I even doubt half the school's population would agree with all I'm whining about but I'm just sad that my handbook doesn't include a single poem from Cummings (nor coming) or Yeats (though we were taught about yeast). I'm sad that the arts and sciences subjects are the least favorite of the students and people cuss out Filipino and History teachers. I'm sad that the teachers are too tired and indifferent to make the kids like them. I don't blame anyone. I'm just sad.

I know people are born intellectuals but they can be made too and even genius babies couldn't grow up genius without the resources, without being taught. I'm sorry if I sound OA. I'm just upset because today, a teacher skipped an important chapter in our textbook probably assuming we learned all that in high school. She should have known 90% of us were powdering our noses when we were 15. I wasn't. But them.

Sigh?

I'm upset because my seatmate got into college without knowing what a postman was.


What is a rhetorical question?
Who the fuck cares anymore?

My first attempt at recording.

It's weird to hear your own singing voice for the first time but it's growing on me.



Tools:
Logitech Mic
My broken 10-year-old guitar
Windows Audio Recorder
Windows Movie Maker

Special thanks to Flickr for the photos.

OBAMA

Change is in the (white) house y'all!
This is the only election I've seen that the whole world is interested in. Even people outside of America campaigned for the newly elect president! Thanks to Bush for his major contributions to the world crisis which is, I think, one of the main reasons why Obama won the election. Which is a good thing, of course.

I am an artist and a writer which makes me somewhat romantic but that does not mean I can't be a realist. And I saw how practical and straightforward Obama's plans are. He wants to work on the problems of the most basic part of society like health and education as well as the bigger picture like foreign policy and diplomacy. I love it! He's a pacifist! He knows what he's doing!

Being citizens of a third world country like me, our lives are affected by the U.S. dollar. American economy goes down, we suffer too. So let me bask in this glory, for his first day in the white house along with wife and children and the promised puppy. He said before that 'change does not come from the Washington but will come to Washington'. He won the election because the people made donations, worked tirelessly making calls, knocking on doors, etc. A victory only possible in t.v. and movies now imitating life. If this could happen to them, maybe it can happen for us Pinoys too.

God did bless America... and the world!

Click this to read/watch President Barack Obama's victory speech.
Click this to read his plans.
Click this to read his hq blog.

Halloween

I am going to attend a Halloween themed rock show on Friday, October 31st. A few final touches and my costume is ready to be donned. I am not a big fan of Halloween but a lot of friends and bands whom I haven't seen in awhile are going to be there, so I am very much enthusiastic about everything. I am going as this creature:

























This big murky gray guy is a TOTORO. (Click name to know more)
Even if I had not seen the entire film, I fell in love with totoro. He is just too adorable that is why I chose to be him at the party. I wanted to be kung fu panda but I didn't have the resources and time to make a panda costume. I don't like the idea of me going as a scary character. Just the thought gives me goosebumps and I have a terrible thing about scary stuff. Encounters with such things give me dreadful nightmares. I don't mean for it to happen but it just happens! That is also why I never watch horror films. Though I enjoy hearing the plot summaries from my friends who were able to watch it.

When I was much a kid, all we did on Hallow's eve was go to sleep early so we'd rise up the next morning ready to go visit our dead relatives at the local cemetery. Trick or treating is not a big thing here in the Philippines. On Halloween, I think that old t.v. show, Magandang Gabi, Bayan, is a lot more of a ritual for everyone than costume parties. This weekly show that used to air every Saturday would present a Halloween special every year where they feature ghost stories and horrifying urban legends that could make any person's blood curdle. They interview unfortunate people that had allegedly gone through all those creepy experiences, tour inside haunted houses with the cameramen and fortunately capture two or more sightings of something not our kind. We all then go to bed tightly tucking ourselves in, three kids in a single sized bed. A few moments later, we would then decide to crash our parents' bedroom to finally get some sleep.

I know some people who are big fans of scaring themselves to death or testing how much they can stand scary stuff. I am just not one of them. As much as I would like to feed my curiosity for anything horror, I would never trade my peaceful and rejuvenating slumber for sweaty panic attacks every few times a night.

I think costume parties are a bigger hit now than before. In time, trick or treating could become a popular practice in our land. Last week, in my little sister's school, they made the younger children dress up and trick or treat in the older kids' classrooms. As for me, this will be my second time ever to go attend a party in character. The first one was a few years ago, as a Japanese girl in geisha semi-makeup, Japanese slippers and Kimono robe. I remember being drunk as hell from jello shots that time.

This year, I expect to be a drunk-as-hell Totoro.

Kampai!

Writer.

Last Friday, right after I turned in my exam paper, my teacher (who is also our H.R.M. and Tourism department's Chairman) asked me if I'm graduating this year. I said no and that I expect to graduate next year, at least if everything stays smooth-sailing. I asked him why and he told me that he had been planning to come up with a magazine for our department and he'll be getting me as a writer.

I said yes.

I've had some people ask me to write but it's definitely my first time to be asked by a teacher or an authority to write for something as important as a school publication. Voluntarily contributing is one thing but being tasked is a whole new level. I felt glorious. I also thought to myself 'yes, finally.' I wanted to do a Tom Cruise at that moment but there was no couch. Truth is, I've been feeling quite low the past few weeks and this was, as far as I can remember, the best pick-me-up I've ever had.

I've been writing since I knew how. Although I admit that right now, I love reading more than writing. One reason could be because I feel inadequate and that I need to learn more. Plus, I am my worst critic. Thank God for computers, can you imagine how much paper I'd be wasting for revisions? But I figured, I wouldn't be able to enhance and improve myself unless I practice (ergo, this blog among other things). More practice will ensue for me if that magazine will realize materially. I can't wait.

I will totally spill all the details for sure. Celebrate with me when it happens?