The Rules of Attraction

I always think about reasons to especially liking a person. In my "study", I get drawn to someone who gives me special attention, drops hints, remember the most remote things I said or in this case, "posted" in the past. I think those things light my fire immediately. So there was this incident when someone I've known for a long time did just that. It ignited some kind of flame or whatever.

Maybe, I'm just lonely as hell but still, it counted. I didn't toss and turn in bed thinking about it really but I couldn't take that incident off my mind. And well, along with that incident, is he.

I couldn't take him off my mind.

Seriously, seriously, seriously, I would not prefer to like this person. Why? Because I am not supposed to! But why? I would like to point out this man's + and - :

+ He is wise beyond his years, smarter than half of the people I know

- Younger than I

- Loud and obnoxious at times

+ Very very very ridiculously funny

- Drunk

- Hedonistic

+ Good looking

+ Articulate

+ Has a job

- We have too many common friends

Enough of this bullshit, really. But why? Why can't I like him?

I'd answer this, honest to blog.

I don't believe someone like him would want someone like me. I am just being realistic. I am not putting myself down. It's just that these things couldn't possibly happen to me. I know his type. He likes pretty girls. Ridiculously pretty girls. Okay, so do all boys. But yes, I am not his type. Period! And I should not like him. Period.

But I just couldn't take him off my mind.

The things he said and did (via alcohol).

The things he said and did, which may never happen again right?

That was just one night.

In the longest time we've known each other, he never ever ever took a point across or drop a hint that there is a slightest possibility that he likes me.

Never.

Just that one night.

And I shouldn't take this one night seriously, right?

No one like him would ever want me.

I am no exception to any rule.

He is one of those very very predictable men we call "bros" hahaha and he's got "bro" friends as well. The ones who post photos of very beautiful women in their facebook walls and discuss in painful detail everything they can possibly do to her.

Oh my God!

I couldn't possibly fall for a bro! Fuck this shit. Should move away from trouble before trouble's too deep.

The Pursuit of Money

Sitting here, in front of the computer, like right now makes me guilty. I am not at all resourceful in terms of finances. I've never brought home the bacon. Am I spoiled? Yes, in many ways imaginable. I have never had a job. A real one where I can say, "Mommy! I'm home!" and actually give my parents cold cash to help pay the rent or the bills. I did have a job back then. And I recently completed this job-training thing where I worked 2 and a half months without pay. But really. Money is tough to find. Tough to make. Tough to keep or save. Tough to think about.

Today is a Monday and I went out in the rain/heat (because the weather couldn't make up its mind) to hand out my updated resume to local food establishments. The type of job ranged from service crew to kitchen assistant/assistant cook. I am mainly praying to God and crossing my fingers to land the back-of-the-house type of job. Not that I suck at serving food really (anybody can do that shit) but I'm just dying to "jump start" my most-preferred career so to speak. I need to be that exception to the rule and actually live out my dream. Even if slaving in the kitchen doesn't seem to sound ambitious, you know, most people think of it as a dirty blue collar job (which it is!) but that's just what my heart desires to do. I can imagine myself working happily in the kitchen 10, 20, 30 years from now. I do not want a desk job (though surfing the interwebs and discovering new memes everyday is a very tempting work option) at this point. I have tried it and I find it very limiting. Chair, cubicle, paper, pens, computer everyday? No, thank you.

You know what, it has dawned on me that one of the heaviest themes in our life is the fact that we all need to know our purpose. We need to know it. Not all of us wants to know it or cares or thinks about it but I am pretty sure all of us, at some point, asked ourselves: "What do I want to do with my life?" and ultimately, "What am I here for?" and the event of finding out what is one of the greatest discoveries we will ever unearth from ourselves.

Now, that I brought that up, you have asked it yourself because you've read those two questions. Have you the answer already? Or are you having a hard time answering it. Really now. Think about it. Your job right now. Is this what life is about? Is it dead end? I know it's paying everything for you. Happiness. Happiness won't.

I really hope people are happy with what they're doing. It makes our lives easier, I believe. If you love what you do, you will never have to work a day in your life. That quote is very spot on. Not easy to follow or live out especially when there really aren't many options. I should know. I am one of you marginalized people. And there are so many of us fighting for that position in the local job listings. So many of us young and qualified. Damn.

But yes, I should not think that way, right? If I think that way, or if any of you imaginary readers would think that way, our hopes will burn to the ground. It's already bad enough that we go out in the rain/heat, count change to print out resumes, spend some more to get our 2x2's, humiliate ourselves in interviews, leaping out of our comfort zones only to be told, "We'll just call you" and never be holla'd back.

This is the point in my life when positivity should come in handy. Expectations should be lowered. Mother Teresa should be revered. Patience is a must-have virtue.

I hope the future posts in this blog is worthy of confetti. Career-wise.

There is nowhere else but here.

After almost a year, I'm back. I won't say for good (or for bad. . haha) but I came back because there really is nowhere else but here. For real time events, we all have Twitter and Facebook but I don't know. I am still itching to write sometimes. Tumblr isn't even an option. That site is more like a dump of everything you see and hear and photos and scraps of whatever stuff mostly forgettable anyway. It's too much to handle.

This blog is like an old provincial hometown I left for greener pastures (the latest innovative social networking sites) and somewhere to return to when life is just too much in the big city. I'm back.

A lot has happened the past year. I don't even know where to start. The great thing about writing in here is that I don't feel like there are rules to follow. I don't have to start chronologically right? Just the events that seem pretty major like:

♥ saw my sister and her family back home from Switzerland early this year

♥ finished my last three major subjects with good grades

♥ worked in a restaurant kitchen for 2 1/2 months without pay

♥ went to Manila - saw Dashboard Confessional play and talked to Chris Carrabba for like a few seconds lol and have him sign a cd and my shirt

♥ tasted Dairy Queen for the first time

♥ saw a man I love get married

♥ found someone else to love and he turns out to be married(ish. . seriously taken)

stuff like that. .

Sorry about the last two in the list, I am quite OA when it comes to matters of the heart and I guess having a food blog and keeping myself busy with other things like career (which I don't have as of the moment) and family and music and art and whatever doesn't really change that fact, it just helps in alleviating and/or aggravating the problem. . whatever works. LOL

My last post in here's like September 2009. Fast forward to today.

I had this petty fight with my ma this afternoon because she rearranged furniture in my bedroom and I didn't want her to. But she was right and I was wrong. The bedroom looked better. I just couldn't admit it to her though or she would be high and mighty yak about how right she was. I love her. She cares about the things I care about. My brother told me to throw away my books because he thinks it is the devil. He said it made me jaded and artsy and fucks up my priorities and he said the reason why I don't have a love life and a job is because I am too alternative and passive and hedonistic and selfish. In his words, I don't take life seriously.

He may have a point. But headstrong as I am, I do not take it. Really, this is all I got. These are the only things I know are mine. If he took away the very few things I'm good at, I am better dead.

I just fell silent today. What am I in this house but a bum? He's right in that area.

But you know, I try. I am looking for a job. I am waiting for calls.

And I don't want to work a job that I don't like (call center agent?).

I would rather get minimum wage cooking or busing dishes.

I could not throw away my books. I could not stop listening

to the type of music I love.

I know a lot of people who threw their dreams away for money. I know a lot of people who chose to turn their backs from the things and people they love for something the world told them would be better.

They are miserable.

Call me immature. I am just not that type of person. I tried to be. I felt dead, you know. Really, I would rather die.

Happiness can't be bought.

I just want to be happy.

We all do.

Passion eat!

My new gastronomical blog is up and running!

Go ahead and visit, follow, or bookmark it if you have a knack for cooking or if you just want to gawk at yummy food photos the way you do dirty pictures for fun and excitement. Haha!

click below!

Do-It-Yourself Eats


Thanks!♥

Midnight wonder.

When we began, we knew what we were here for: the discovery of deeper understanding, the need to tame the rage of our idealistic youth. When did we stop questioning and why? We now live the irony of our songs. It pains me to see us turn out the way we shouldn't be. Did we forget what we began? Our causes running out like burning coals left out to die. We started this to break the rules but now the rules we've made confine us.

When did we stop questioning and why?

The one who got away.

I wanted to do the right thing, hard as it was. My beautiful parents taught me well.
But one thing that was never discussed in the dinner table and Sunday get-together was how to deal with love when it fails you.

Ma and Pa never skips the sermon on 'true love that waits', 'true and honest love', 'enduring love', 'love is work', 'waiting for the right one', 'chastity' and all other subjects that only hardline Catholic parents could muster and I will be forever grateful for the morals they have instilled in me. I believe that discipline is one of the best kinds of love a parent can give their kids. Without it, I would have been out there doing unthinkable and unspeakable things. I would have been a lot more wounded girl in this cruel world.

And then came love. The kind you read in books and see in films. The intense feeling of being swept off your feet. The overwhelming kind. And the best part, it was the kind of love that was returned and maybe even more than you could ever have again.

Everything in its perfect place. The feeling was mutual. The distance contributed to the build up - like the start of a song towards the chorus. He, the ideal man. Strong and wise with a sense of humor that matched your own. The man who wanted to meet you. The man who wanted to see you and cook for you in the morning.

The man with a wife and child.

When the world crashes down on you, when your walls collapse, when your sanity leaves you one day at a time, what do you do?

The hardest part was not doing the right thing.
The hardest part of it all was when the right thing kills you in the middle of the night when you sleep alone in the dark. The hardest part was getting through the day with smile on the lips and grief in the heart. The hardest part was convincing him that the feeling is no longer mutual on your part.

A few years of silence with a bit of friendship in between.

And after the longest time - the first meeting. The face to face encounter between the one who let go and the one who got away. You shake hands and kiss amicably. How are you? How's work? Life? Like a drill you've been practicing all those years you've missed out on each other. Kids and career. A little about the wife. You feel a pang of sorrow nibbling on your ear.

You ask yourself, "Am I a better person for being here?" just to test yourself a little like seeing him in the flesh is not already too much. And the answer, of course, is YES.

Yes, you are a better person for choosing right over wrong. What if's and regrets aside, you are stronger for going through the fire rather than playing with it. Your humanity is larger than life. Your love exceeds your emotions. Your brokenness a sacrifice.

And now, alone you face the future. With strength, you will get by. Loneliness being a constant visitor. Your mind being the disagreeable dog that guards the gates of your longing heart.

You are the one who got away.


+ + +

'For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
And think not you can direct the course of love
For if love finds you worthy, it will direct your course. '

-Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet)

It's about time!

Well, as you can see, I'm back in blogger. After almost 8 months of nothing in here (but a lot in real life), I'm truly happy to be here again. It had been quite a good year so far and I have a feeling it will work out wonderfully throughout the end of 2009. There were some down times and minor ruckuses but it's so much better than haplessly being stillborn in life right?

Let me put all that this blog has missed in a nutshell:

January : Sinulog + SRA Anniversary + One of my best buds Mirza visited Cebu and I've met the good guys of DFP.
February: Cooked a lot in school and Partied a lot with my best buds, Mimie and Kiko.
March : Was bartender for a day (!!!) and made a rock and fashion show happen. And was in the news for the first time in my life. lol
April : Flew to Manila for this and this and this!
May : It was my birthday of course! :)
June : Back to school... but before that, my favorite getaway. Saw a great band live and met a bunch of awesome people. :)
July : Cried watching the TWINKLE DUDU reunion show.

And now, it's August. So what's new?
I'm pretty much addicted to Twitter and Facebook but I know all things will wane its selves. lol
I am still in school but not as busy as before. This will be my last year (hopefully and supposedly, whichever comes first!) one more term and I'll be ready for summer internship. Hooray. I'm teary-eyed. I never thought I'd be able to get this far to finishing something but I've done it. Almost there.
And yes, I have the most amazing pet cats in the world. I love them.
And I look forward to seeing my sister and her family (especially the kids!) in December. They are going to stay here for almost a month, Christmas to Sinulog 2010 so I foresee a solid vacay mode on for me. She's booked us to stay at a resort in Bantayan Island which is majestic. It's going to be our family's first time there together.

I am stoked.

I'll post more real soon. It's good to be back.

I missed you! ♥