The end of things.

Kyas moved to the next round last Monday at 11 am. If it was 11 am exactly, I wouldn't know. I wasn't there. Why is it that we think knowledge is power? If I would have known he was going to die that time, that day, I would have gathered my resources to be by his side and this goes out to every person I still consider as a friend.

Why do we love beating deadlines?

We don't accept it, but that's a fact. We are addicted to deadlines. It's funny how it's called deadlines. It's the end of the line. Unless, the boss is kind, he may give an extension. Like how God delays our deaths every moment of every day. Have you ever thought about it? Every breath we take is an extension to a deadline. We are already dead though it's just a matter of time. Unless, of course, someone had discovered immortality potion or fountain of youth or any spell that could make you live forever which I think is kind of dumb. There's no person in his right mind who would like to live forever. If you like that, I hate to say this but you're crazy. You're the type who would play level 1 of games and never proceed to the next level. You're crazy.

We love beating deadlines.
And we almost always end up too late.

A few months ago in summer, my dad's oldest brother died. He wasn't very old just in his early 60's. He lived a full life and that was what really matters, doesn't it? He wasn't a procrastinator I can tell because he's a popular AM Radio personality and being that comes a great deal of responsibilities. I was thinking about how when there are times you don't like to get up in the morning and just take the day off. He can never do that unless he breaks a leg or he dies or something to that extent. It's an awesome job and he loved it. A lot of people loved him and they were there in his funeral. Hundreds of them.

Kyas was funny. He was sweet to me. He must be sweet to everyone. I do not want to wake his corpse up (sorry, Kyas) but I guess it's worth telling the world that there was something between us. Every time we meet, which is just a few times a year, he would do and say something that would turn up my stomach. (sorry, Kyas) If he was like this to all the girls he had met, they should blog about it too. haha. What he said or did, is between me and his departed soul --- but it was special. He made me feel special a few times a year. There was one time I almost fell for it but then he never made it official. He just fed me a lot of chips and a lot of Coke and talked to me about sexual positions between people and sometimes between people and objects (like door knobs). This is what he does, we see each other and hug and he would lead me away from the crowd and we would take a short hike to a store where he'd tell me to "pick what I like". He would tell me I didn't lose weight and he would look real disappointed to find out that I didn't. And he must be real disappointed that he is into a BBW. haha. No, he didn't tell me he liked me but he couldn't keep his hands off me. It was a perfect match because, with the right amount of alcohol, I like to be touched. He made me drink a lot.

Kyas was funny. It wasn't exactly a date he was asking for but from the fact that we're going to be alone together and maybe some door knobs, it's going to become a date. And paranoid as I am, I declined when he offered me private bass guitar lessons. I declined any meeting that would not include anyone else. He was too smart. He was too funny. He was too generous. And I was too afraid to deal with it because I know I couldn't handle him.

But then again, he never tried. He didn't have to. It's just, we're okay that we're friends a few times a year. And touch-y feel-y friends after a round of drinks. (sorry, Kyas)

Monday, around 5pm, I got the text from his friend and band mate, Ivan, that he had gone. I didn't cry. I just couldn't believe it. Until now, two days later, it's still unreal to me. I'm still waiting for my tears to fall if it would ever. I don't know. I think I might, pretty soon. But maybe I just couldn't find any reason to cry. Maybe he made me too damn happy in all those few times a year that we meet, which made it all the more special. I'm really sorry Kyas, if I might not cry about your passing. We were just so damn happy.

There are many things I am going to write about the end of things aside from mortality. There are also the end of beautiful relationships, my weaning from addictive behavior and so on.

In my next posts, love.

Kyas moves to the next round.

I'm sorry I didn't...

...text you a lot like you wanted me to...

...go to your birthday party...

...go to your baby's christening...

...put up a band with you.


I'm sorry I didn't...



...give you this cap when you begged for it the whole night.

I could not remember a moment you didn't give me...




something to eat and drink...



...and something to laugh about.

You were one of the happiest people I know. You were sunshine.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to tell you this.

Now, you can't hear me.

Thank you, Kyas. I couldn't thank you enough.

Now, you can't hear me. But maybe I will dream tonight and tell you that --

You were the only person aside from family who asked me to go back to school.

And I wasn't able to tell you this, but I took to heart what you said --

Remember? You told me I am smart and I have to use it. You didn't ask.

Remember? You didn't ask. It was an order. And we laughed.

All we did was laugh.

That was enough.

I didn't tell you this, but Kyas, I'm now in school.

I love you and I wish I made you happy, somehow,

the way you made me happy.

Goodbye, Kyas. See you up there.

Once upon a homework...

Absorbed with all the school work and preliminary exams, I had been slack in here as well as my other blog. Plus, the computer modem had been blinking it's lights telling me that he's giving up. No internet at home for a couple of weeks. Now, with a brand spankin' new modem and some free time, I'd like to share something I did for my History 3 homework. Let's geek out.

My reflection on Mikaela Fudolig's valedictory speech, "Take Not the Road Less Travelled" on April 28, 2007 at UP Diliman.

When I was sixteen, the thought of going to college and picking out the course I am going to take had dominated the end of my high school days. Something that would assure me of a high-paying job, my parents agree. Something that I would enjoy doing, I agree. Ultimately, these are the common goals I shared with the hundreds of us flocked in the coliseum with our white togas and nostalgic hearts on.

What does an average sixteen-year-old’s thoughts involve? Friendships, family and future. Which comes first, depends on the person. When faced everyday with the news that our country’s economic stability is going nowhere but down, and that there are easier ways to overcome life’s difficulties, the average sixteen-year-old will most likely take the easier way to things. Who cares about dreams when your stomach is empty? Money is power and the lack of it is the dark and unthinkable future. In the olden days, people go to college for prestige and recognition. Diplomas framed in every living room. Today, people go back to college after a year of working odd jobs having to face with the fact that a diploma is a necessary requirement to get promoted or even hired and graduating students usually are working full-time way before their graduation pictures are taken.

If I am sixteen today, what Mikaela spoke about is a kind of dreamy, illusory advice by a girl who obviously has everything. Intellectual prowess, well-to-do family, opportunities from left to right. But I am not sixteen. I am a twenty-five-year-old who had dreams broken, opportunities passed up, and is trying to rebuild her life. With this, I can compare her valedictory speech to a tank of oxygen for a dying patient.

True enough, she has a gift of superb intellect and money but her VISION and POSITIVITY are qualities that intellect can not manipulate and money can not buy. She had sensed that the Filipino youth are the most affected and aggravated by this country’s moral and psychological landslide. The Filipino youth had become a staggering drunkard, a pregnant teen, a child laborer, a hedonistic bastard who’s losing hope and losing trust in the country’s leaders.

This sixteen-year-old encouraged us ‘not just to take courage, but be brave… not just do well, but excel… not just take the road less traveled but make new roads, blaze new trails and find new routes.’ She encouraged us to dare to step up and stand out. Her speech tells us to do something now and it’s not only addressed to all the sixteen-year-olds in this country but to every single adult who has greater fears than ten year old children.

It amazes me how Mikaela Fudolig was admitted to college in UP Diliman at the tender age of 11. It amazes me how she graduated at the top of her class. But what truly amazes me more is how this kid with bigger opportunities waiting for her outside of the country had chosen to offer her teaching services to the Filipino students at UP Diliman. For this, I salute her not only for her age, not only for her intellect but most of all, for her Filipino heart.

*Mikaela Irene Fudolig is a Filipina who graduated at 16 years old as a summa cum laude with a general weighted average of 1.099 from the University of the Philippines, Diliman. She was only 11 when she entered college, under an experimental program that would test if the possibility of gifted children entering a university will not compromise their emotional and social development. The experiment was a success.

*To learn more about Mikki, click here and here.

*To read her valedictory speech click here.

*To hear it, click here.

If God gives you...

8 million pesos.

What would you do?


This is not a survey. Haha.

I know what I'm going to do. I'm giving it away.
But would it be alright if I keep some of it for myself?
Yes.

LOL.

Lotto lotto lotto lotto.

Long lost book...

I couldn't remember the last time I have partially read this book, or have I read it to the end? It escapes me. One thing I'm sure of is that it had been several years ago.

I was surprised to see it in Mimi's bedroom. Her family have just moved into a new house a few months back and last week was my first time to go there. I was lounging in her bedroom and saw it atop the nook of the dresser.

It was Living, Loving and Learning by Leo Buscaglia, Ph.D.

I borrowed it back. I want to learn again that when you re-read a book, it's always different every time. I am reading random chapters of it and I remember some. I am smiling most of the time. I never thought that I have been paying attention to Buscaglia. All those years passed and I'm happy to find that I applied (some of) it.

It's hard to find a favorite part of such a beautiful book but in every point of your life, there will always be words that will fit.

At this moment, here is mine. Buscaglia wrote:

I don't know where you put me, but believe me, I'm nowhere else than where you are. I'm just as confused. I'm just as lonely. I'm just as despairing. I cry as often. I have no more answers than you do. I've just stopped asking the questions. I'm just involved in the process. I'm not even asking for answers anymore. I just think it's a wonderful thing that I am. And people write me letters, and they say, why death? Why pain? Why must children die? Why must we be despairing, etc? I write back and say "How the hell should I know?" Greater people than I have been asking those questions for centuries. I don't know why. But I do remember that many, many years ago, somebody said that sometimes we get so involved in the questions that we don't live the answers.


I say Amen to that.
I say if you are looking for a book to while away the time, pick this up. Pick it up because it's real.
Among all the fiction piling up in your room, go get this beautiful non-fiction. Who knows you can positively live your life because you got bored.

^_~

Out of guilt? Out of love? Or guilt because I love Him?

Today, I received this e-mail from Brother Bo:

+++

TWO-FACED CHRISTIAN

“No one can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other.” – Matthew 6:24

A woman asked a priest to officiate the blessing of her newly-opened grocery store. The blessing was scheduled on a particular date. On that day, a typhoon hit Metro Manila and all the streets surrounding her grocery were flooded. The priest called the lady and asked if they could postpone the blessing of the place. But the lady insisted since her “stars” revealed that that was a lucky day. So, with their feet submerged in water, the blessing pushed through.

How often do we succumb to these kinds of practices? On New Year’s Eve, some people wear polka dots, put coins in their pockets or buy 12 kinds of round fruits for good luck. Others consult their horoscopes or a fortuneteller to guide them in their decisions.

Most people say, “I’ve got nothing to lose when I do these things.” But as professed Christians, we need to be vigilant regarding what we get ourselves into. By believing in superstitions, we are offending God and opening ourselves to danger. The first commandment states, “I am the Lord Your God; you shall not have strange gods before Me.”

Who do you worship? Our choices and our actions reveal whose side we are on. Judith Concepcion

REFLECTION:

Make a decision today to worship God alone and renounce all other gods in your life.

Lord, forgive me for having offended You. You are my Lord and my All.

+++

All the things that I have been thinking lately are becoming too clear that denial would be incredibly intentional. What am I doing with my life? I am making people happy. I am pleasing them the same as I am pleasing myself. But what am I doing to God? Why do I always fall away? Why am I letting these things happen? Having fun. Prioritizing the worldly life? Of course I'm not tired of it all. What person would get tired from having fun and living the kind of life and having the circle of friends that I have?


God, I have been asking for signs. All I ever asked for most is wisdom. I said once that I'm going to follow You from now on but look at me, I am such a failure.


Today, in my humblest way, I'm going to follow the signs You've been sending me.

I kissed dating goodbye.

Last month, I had this unexpected date with my best friend Mimi. It had been unbelievably almost a year since we got to spend time just with each other (since she had a boyfriend and job and I had the music scene and school). She came over to my apartment and took me to SM. There was a lot to catch up on.

We ate and laughed and took pictures and browsed around inside Powerbooks, and we were standing there in front of the bright light of the inspirational section and she saw me reading the back portion of a book and she asked me if I liked it and I said I've heard a lot about it. She told me that she had been wondering what gift to get me that month since my birthday had already passed and she just didn't get to decide. That day, she bought me this book...



That night, I read the introduction. The author, Joshua Harris, thanked the reader for picking up his book. He also wrote that some people never get past the title.
I started reading the first chapter and it kept me awake for some days.
I had to stop reading.
It was too much to bear. It was too much information and truth and affirmation.

Why affirmation?

Because whenever I have a question or whenever I wonder, I have this habit of asking myself first before I turn to anyone or anything else. And not even halfway through, the book had already told me things that I already asked myself many times before, that I already knew the answers to. I already knew the answers but why am I in the same vicious cycle over and over again? Falling in and out of love (is it really)?

And I stopped reading it for now because it is painful. The truth is painful and scary and hard and never convenient.

With things like relationships, my part was most of the time, the third person (I was about to say party but it sounded malicious he he).The witness. The analyst. The one-man-cheering-squad. I even think I have more experience than most people who are actually 'in the relationship'. Not to be cocky, but I knew better simply because thinking had always been a huge part when I feel 'in love' maybe because early on in my life (before I even had my first romantic relationship), I've seen the people around me experience a lot of pain out of diving into one relationship to the next looking for the right person or living with the wrong people that they try to change. Looking for people who will complete them because that's the way it's supposed to be right? If you love somebody you can't breathe without him, live without him, be without him.

You can't be complete without him.

If you are in love, it is the only truth you know. But if you step back from the feeling, that statement is actually a total mess. And it's not the other person's mess. It is yours.

I have this friend, let's just call her Mary. When we were in high school Mary was a tomboy like me. We cross-dress wearing mainly baggy pants and t-shirts and canvass shoes. We even played in the high school band as drummers (not baton twirlers) and the softball team. Most of our friends were guys. Being naturally pretty, Mary was always hit on by the guys but because she was a tough chick, nobody messed around with her. We had a great friendship until she started dating.

When we were in high school falling in love is the biggest thing that could happen. It was like an earthquake that only you could feel. A storm that only you can get hit. Then your friends are the news team to cover the entire story. In high school, the big exam don't come as close to the fact that your crush said hi when you bump into each other in the hallway. If he admits he likes you back, it's winning the lottery.

So Mary began dating. At first it wasn't love, she told me. I remember the guy cried his way to her heart. Waiting outside the school. Admitting to getting fevers and not being able to sleep. At first, she didn't care. Mary was tough but then she told me, what the heck! In a week, the guy became her boyfriend. They did everything together and I was there. I saw the whole trail of the train but too young to foresee that it's gonna be a wreck at the end. I stood by her through their petty fights and childish accusations. I was on the phone with them. I was there when they finally broke up after 2 weeks. Mary and I were 15. The guy was 14.

Then Mary being broken-hearted, promised me and herself that she's never ever going to fall in love again. To hell with boys. We were happy once more hanging out with our usual crowd. Then out of nowhere she's at it again. She didn't tell me that she'd met this guy. I found out only when they're already together. So I sat by and watched them. Being the supportive friend, I was there. The same train wreck, only it lasted for almost 2 years. Mary and I were 17. The guy was 16. I asked her once about the promise she made. She told me to grow up and said that it's time we should start practicing for the future. I believed her because I felt different. Everybody was getting hooked and I was there, alone and boyfriendless.



For years it made me feel disappointed in myself. I thought there is something wrong with me. Why is it that whenever the opportunity comes for me to be with someone, there is something inside me that says. DON'T.

One guy friend used to tell me that I'm too picky. My girl friends tell me I should drop the weight and start wearing a skirt for the guys to notice me more. A guy friend told me I didn't have to do that. Instead, I should just stop thinking too much, he said. I was terrified. Because I know that without my head, I would come down to nothing.

And now, a book and a preacher proved me right.
All along I heard that voice that says DON'T. I thought it was paranoia. I thought it was fear of heartbreaks. I thought it was fear of commitment. I didn't know it was God's way of telling me to love myself first instead of seeking someone to feed my loneliness and romantic musings. It takes a lot of courage to admit it and it is only by grace that I finally start to see things more clearly.



I have had my share of relationships. From long distance to not-so-long distance. All I can say is that when the person you love becomes your all, you get lost. When you say you love that person because, I found myself when I found you, you are totally loving that person for all the wrong reasons.


I will continue reading my book, with courage, that I pray.
Because there is an entire world to tell you about how I'm going to kiss dating goodbye. Even, I, have an entire world to learn.

For now, I leave you with this little something in my head.

True love starts when the feeling ends.
True love is when you start to decide.